05
2011The Answer to My Prayers
I am, at times, very confused about who or what I am, and where this is taking me and my life. One minute, I can be ecstatic about being Janie, loving my femininity and my sexuality, tingling all over at the sheer energy I get from being her… and the next minute, I am wondering what kind of freak I am, why I pretend to be a woman when I am a man, how much of a destructive distraction all this is: harming my future, undermining my ambitions, risking my reputation, messing with my sexuality and threatening my relationship.
I think that one of the main impelling forces toward Janie’s emergence was sheer boredom with my life.
In some measure, I had worked all my life to achieve this so-called boredom.
Of course, that was not exactly my intention, but the primary things I looked for in myself and others were reliability and responsibility. Those are admirable qualities, but also near-synonyms for boring.
So, once I had a steady (read: boring) relationship, and a sensible and stable (read: boring, again) group of friends, and built a relatively comfortable (yawn!) level of income, I looked around and thought: “Now what?”
What? I’ll tell you what… I had an aching desire to reinvent myself and my life.
Out with the conservative career, and in with more passion and uncertainty. Out with numbers and logic; in with beauty and art. Out with talking; in with singing. Out with the vanilla; in with experimentation. Out with control; in with reliance.
Out with being the person everyone has always expected me to be.
When you think about it, Janie pretty much answers the call for change on all fronts, doesn’t she? (Could be that mischievous girl was the cause of all the disquiet in the first place too.)
TinaCortina
Hi Janie
A very interesting self analysis and one I am sure that would apply to many (If they would but admit it).
Tina xx
TinaCortina
http://tinacortina.wordpress.com/
trish dubois
A very good post. A long time ago I realized my urge to “visit my closet” was triggered by me being very bored or very stressed. While I enjoyed it, it always ended with me feeling I had wasted some valuable time when I could have been doing “normal” things.
All “this” has never been a gender thing with me. I don’t dislike being a male (love my penis), it’s just that it did nothing for me. A slim, smooth, hair free, non muscular body, with full sensual lips and sexy girly legs does not indicate a testosterone fueled, macho male. I loved being a son, husband, and father, I found other “male things” to be rather boring.
When I was around 13, I saw a picture in a Playboy entitled “A Transvestite pouts for the camera”. It showed a cute, skinny guy all made up, nice blonde hair wearing a bikini. I knew right away that was the type of “guy” I wanted to be someday.
I was right, I love being Trish, and as Trish life is sure not boring. For all you golfers, life can be much more enjoyable went you leave all the aggression behind, and play from the red tees. You just might par the course instead of spending all your time ‘in the rough’
cdjanie
Lovely comment, Trish. But answer me this: if it is not about gender, why adopt a female name? why take on the role of a female? why not just be a guy with makeup and wearing female clothes? or just a guy with feminine attitudes and traits? I hope you understand that these questions I ask, I ask of myself as well, and I am just searching for answers, not attacking in any way your way of seeing things. If anything, I think your attitudes are fascinating, somewhat familiar, and admirable.
trish dubois
An excellent question, and one I hope you continue to write about.
I am lucky, I have always felt that (to quote Frank Zappa) “it is fucking great to be alive”. I also realized it helps to have time and money to enjoy everything from having warm socks in the winter to sitting on a beach in summer, so I worked hard to be able to act as a “professional” male. Much like an actor, the person at work is not the person at home. Paul Newman played many roles in order to do the things in life he wanted to do.
I tiried the half and half stuff and it did not work. I like being David and Trish alll in one body. I feel it is a gift, sort of a “two for one” sale. Trust me, many men are envious of us. .
Maybe I am just being selfish, I want the joy of being a husband, father, neighbor, co-worker AND the joy of being a very happy, well made up, attractive “dick in a dress”.
Trish DuBois
trish dubois
My mistake.. I am really a 3 in 1 person. Most know me as David, many as Trish and an increasing number know me as both. They think is is just fine, no big deal, just enjoying life.
Cassie
Well Said Janie…
I’ve wondered if it was an “Escape” for me?
I really don’t know the answer, and most of the time it’s not important to me.
I Love the pic of you ; )
Cassie…
cdjanie
Cassie, I think it is much easier to just accept things for what they are and go with it. My trouble is wondering whether years down the road I will look back and regret “escaping” from life rather than living it head on. Besides, a hidden Janie is one thing, but hiding creates its own stresses, and if I ever want to consider coming out and stamping myself indelibly with the CD label, I need to know it is real, it is me, it is forever.
trish dubois
It is forever, it will never go away———-thank god! It is you.
Stacy
Uh-oh, Stacy’s about to ramble again…… (If you know me, you’re ready for this…)
I think we just are the way we are.
To some degree, all of us try to fit into the “guy mold” and all of us realize we don’t fit… We are not like the others. Like those visual puzzles in the newspaper comics section: where you’re supposed to “spot the differences” and choose the one that is not like the others. Binary, one or the other, look, pass judgment. Choose the one that doesn’t belong.
Society does that with everything.
Guy clothes, girl clothes.
Guy food, girl food.
Guy jobs, girls jobs.
Guy cars, girl cars.
Guys, Girls.
What are the other options? There’s really only two ways to be that are acceptable to society, and we’re supposed to be the one that gets picked for us.
If you aren’t 100% comfortable in your assigned role, you’ll be drawn to the other one for the simple reason that it’s the only other thing you can try to get to the point where you feel whole.
If the only two careers available were “jet fighter pilot” or “artist” and training began at birth – some of us just wouldn’t fit – and we’d keep a secret stash of paint brushes somewhere.
Most of us are drawn to our girly things the most when we’re stressed – I know I am.
But as the years go by, I realize it isn’t the stress of the mortgage, or the business – it’s the stress of conforming to a role in which I’m not 100% myself. To find myself and MY center, I had to explore in the only other direction there is.
My brain was wired differently from birth, or I got hit on the head, or whatever. It is what it is. I’m going to go with it.
I’m the guy that I am – and that guy has a 9-5 job and and a house and a family. That guy also paints his toenails.
He wears a shirt and tie, and he likes the finest underwear.
He hates to shave, so sometimes he has a three-day beard, and smooth legs.
He has Tom Clancy and Cosmopolitan on his e-reader.
He wears a suit and tie to corporate parties and sometimes he wears cute shoes and a skirt at home.
Sometimes, it’s not easy for those who love me because they think I’m conflicted.
As naturally as any other judgment they make about anything else – they want me to be something they can classify into the right group. I can’t fault them.
The best I can do is to assure them that I’m the same as I’ve ALWAYS been – I’m just less and less ashamed of it every day.
I’m not a man who wants to become a woman – I’m someone who will never really be either according to society’s standards, and I needed to be OK with that..
I’m a parrot in a dog and cat world.
I’m a minivan in a pickup truck and car world.
I’m like Zima in a beer and wine world.
I’m OK with that.
cdjanie
Stacy, you’re a unique spirit, and I think it is great that you love yourself for it. I have questioned the phenomenon that many of us are drawn to our female persona under stress – making it seem very much like an escape rather than a true part of us – but your point that the real stress that we are addressing is the one of conforming to an ill-fitting role is a very interesting response to that. Food for thought… Thanks.
Sarah
Its very tempting to join in this thread for selfish reason. We are all searching for personal answers to questions that we havn’t even been able to form clearly. It seems that there are many thousands – perhaps even hundreds of thousands of us, all paddling in parallel along this broad stream, glancing across to each other for assurance but very involved with our own journeys. My point ? Well it comes down to talking about my own journey and wondering if anyone else gives a damn !
Being much older than most, I have come a long, long way very slowly. So here I sit today, with an opportunity having arisen a week ago to be alone and therefore free to express my femininty and, for the first time in my life, I have spent 90% of that week en femme. Today I had work issues (I am mostly retired) and needed to be in male mode for 6 hours – but reverted to female once I got home. Where this will take me, I don’t know but, like all of you, I feell physically and emotionally healthy this way. Its not an escape anymore – its becoming the norm !!
cdjanie
Good for you, Sarah! I love your metaphor – it really captures the thought perfectly. rest assured that someone really does give a damn. It is easy to feel isolated, even with online friends, but great girls are out there just dying to be friends and to have friends. Sometimes, it means hopping on a plane, but if that’s the price then so be it. We only have the one life to live…
Fiona Alexis O'Neill
There’s a lot to be said for ‘boring’. I think 80% of people my a ‘comfortable’ life are ‘bored’ at some point. But changing ‘boring’ doesn’t mean a gender switch. You could’ve gone bungee jumping in NZ and taken up crocodile hunting.
Aren’t you just a tranny who loves being a tranny? Who just loves being sexy and desirable? And attention? – Fiona xx
cdjanie
Yes, yes, and yes. Realize though, that the kind of “boring” I was talking about couldn’t be addressed by an afternoon of scaring the hell out of myself; it is a lifestyle change that was/is necessary. A lifestyle change; an attitude change.