02
2011Cross-Contamination
As an emerging t-girl, I go through ups and downs… sometimes wondering whether I have gone way too far down the wrong road.
The trouble is finding a pure perspective from which to analyze my true feelings and desires.
She’s Always There
For one thing, every day when I get up, I am greeted in the mirror with a hairless body and face, and long curly locks flowing from my head…
…and I have to ask myself whether I am no longer giving my male self a fair chance to predominate.
Could it be possible that Janie was just a phase or a mistake, but she lingers on because I can’t shake her because my guy self has now been hidden under pink nighties and soft skin? I wonder how different I would feel if I cut my hair short and woke up with a beard and in more masculine nightclothes.
Exposure to Exposure
The second problem is the constant exposure to tranny porn online.
It is not that I seek it out, but every single day I get friend requests and emails from people, a significant proportion of whom invariably are sexually motivated and provocatively displayed on their profiles. Unfortunately, there is no way to find the gems without wading through all the crap.
So, through no fault of my own, I end up seeing naked tgirls and sex pictures every day, as well as receiving some salacious prose as well… a minuscule portion of which I’ll have to admit, I find um… distracting.
So, again, if I can’t help being turned on by some of this stuff, does it not skew my perspective, and reinforce a pleasure response to, for lack of a better word, “trannyism” even if womanhood may not be my true calling?
In the end, all I am saying is that I would feel a lot better about being Janie – a lot more confident in my choices – if I could somehow get to a place where my perspective was untainted by these things and then still make the same choice.
Cyrsti
Janie,
Certainly we all have gone through the same painful questions as you are.
For most of us the answer is…there was a basic reason she emerged and he went away.
You wanted her to! To bring him back would probably just repeat history. She would win again.
On the other hand, if you don’t through “SRS” you are always hedging your bets that you could go back.
Yes, the story of my life too. I’m older and have had the chance to agonize longer!
cyrsti
cdjanie
Yes, Cyrsti, you’re probably right, but I just worry that the “reason” she came out may have been external rather than internal, and that reason may be gone or otherwise capable of being handled; so it’s not a foregone conclusion that she would win again, though I suspect a probable one.
klyde
Janie I don’t understand your reply. What external stimuli could possibly compel you to take the path you’ve taken? I’m not being a smart ass but I’ve never read a t-girl’s story in which she said she put her life on the line because of some outside influence.
.
cdjanie
Klyde,
After all the nice things you have said to me, I would always assume anything you said was with the most generous of spirits.
It’s called second-guessing oneself. All I am saying is that when someone is confused, they don’t necessarily do things for the right reason. If I am unhappy, for example, and I gravitate towards a behavior, and it helps somewhat, does that prove that it is THE answer? If that were the case, alcohol would be the answer to many things. What seems like the answer may just be a coping mechanism or a distraction.
Over time, I feel one has to look back and question whether she has found the right solution – or identified the true problem. All I am saying is that getting “sober” is pretty hard. With alcohol, all you have to do is stop drinking; here, as I have said, my perceptions are perpetually contaminated.
So, if indeed my emerging girl is answering my internal need to be female, that’s great. But if it is a misdirected response that helps me cope with unhappiness caused by something else, someone else, life outside my body – something external – well then I should probably deal with those things instead of escaping. But how am I to tell for sure? (FYI I do believe in my true Janie-ness, but I haven’t quite shaken these doubts.)
Ashley
Janie,
You never cease to amaze me with your wonderful posts. This is another thought provoking one that I am sure most have gone through. One thing that comes to mind is maybe you already are who you are. Not everyone was meant to transition. I am not just talking about the fetish people that dress just for the fetish/sexual thrill but those that truly identify more with a female or feminine side.
I personally think everyone has both a masculine and feminine side and some identify more with one than the other. And in some cases it is the opposite of their actual gender. Yes this can be confusing but does it always mean we need to transition?
Can the thought of transition be more of a grass is always greener on the other side. Would transitioning really solve your confusion? Would it allow you to feel more like a complete woman? Would it remove any desire to be male again? If you transitioned would you develop a desire to transition back? I do not know the answer but I do know it is an expensive (and not just money) option to try. Is being a woman a state of mind or a physical state? Can it be both? And what about giving up your male parts? Do you truly not want them or would you be on the other side wanting to get them back.
I understand and relate to your last post on second guessing and I guess my post is also about that and the second guessing that may come along if you did transition.
There are no easy answers. at least I have found any. I have been looking for them for over 30 years and have second third and fourth guessed. For now I am trying to just be me. Someone that enjoys my male and female side. That likes to dress for the fetish as well as the comfort. Someone that is growing in their comfort as a person but still o where comfortable to be out and about full time.
cdjanie
Another treasure of a comment, Ashley.
One clarification, though, in case I haven’t made this obvious: I am not considering transitioning. Never have. I don’t take hormones, and I haven’t had any surgery. I am loving being able to be either gender as my spirit moves me.
Ashley
Janie
I know you haven’t taken hormones or had surgery. Although I must say you look as if you had (I mean this in a most complimentary way) But I think these are feelings many of us have or had and I wanted to stress the point that Transition is more than likely permanent and is not always the answer.
Petra Bellejambes
… I wonder how different I would feel if I cut my hair short and woke up with a beard and in more masculine nightclothes. … sayeth Janie…
I wonder too. And being in a rather dormant state, I can report my own findings.
The outer appearance does not change the reality that I inhabit, by choice or not, a curious in between space. Both exteriors “pass” adequately, and both interiors are evidenced in practically everything I do. Perhaps “Janie” lingers for you for the same reason that “Petra” lingers for me – we are made better, fuller, more approachable, more attractive and perhaps a little more wise than otherwise.
I see a dozen signals a day that I am provided with small confidences granted by women whose help I depend on to get by, contribute, excel and etc in various activities. I genuinely believe that the hard work (and the delights too of course) of unearthing my feminine interiors make this more possible.
I see in this post that part of what you have unearthed in yourself is openness and honesty that is more a characteristic of the fairer sex.
This is something beautiful to wake up with and see in the mirror, regardless of what one is wearing, or how stubbled the face or legs are, yes?
And btw, the blond locks work for you. Never mind the rest.
xxoo – Petra