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2011Spousal Guilt
From time to time, I am saddened by feelings of guilt over what I am putting my GF through. I have been meaning to say a word or two about it in these pages for some time, and am finally impelled to do so after having read similar sentiments on the blog of my dear friend Petra.
So guilt-ridden am I, that it seems whenever GF gets upset with me, I take it to be a sign of her patience running thin with my whole charade.
As most of you know, GF has been about as supportive a gal as any t-girl could hope for. I spend the majority of my time in girl mode, and she not only puts up with it, but swears she is richer for the friendship of her new girlfriend.
But, GF is one of those terribly giving partners, whose incredible willingness to accommodate my wishes leaves me worried that one day she will reach the end of her line of patience and simply explode! She insists to this day that she is happy and that our differing personalities in this regard are what allow us to get along so well.
I realize I am blessed with her and her understanding and adaptability, and I am resolved not to take advantage of her good nature.
So, when I am second-guessing myself… when I struggle with inner thoughts of whether my whole crossdressing thing is a form of self-destructive psychological pathology, I also start wondering how and why she puts up with me, and consider that I am prevailing far too much upon the tender mercies of the universe to convince her that the dysfunctional, bi-gendered, peculiar creature that I am is worth all the trouble.
Cyrsti
Maybe Janie…her feminine soul is what draws us to the gender like moth’s to a flame. Certainly it is much easier to look female than to be one spiritually. BUT
You are so lucky to have found each other!
The best you can ever do is to be yourself and let life take it from there!
cdjanie
I agree, Cyrsti. And, that’s what I aim to do. Thanks, sweetie.
gswi
…giving…willingness…puts up with me…
I think you’re over-thinking here. She loves you as a person, no matter what you wear. Sometimes things ARE that simple.
cdjanie
Of course, you are right. Sometimes it is hard to believe one’s own good fortune.
CK
It sounds like you’re the one with the problem (accepting your transgender self), not her. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but it’s something to consider.
I am the partner of a transsexual woman and she is who I chose. A large part of my attraction is because she is utterly self-accepting, self-confident, and self-positive. We love people who love themselves (not, of course, in a narcissistic way).
I get very uneasy in social situations when I hear cross dressing husbands apologizing or heaping gratitude on their wives for their’ “acceptance.” I think because it suggests a deep-seated self-loathing…
cdjanie
Constance,
There is much sense in what you say, but then again, its application is not universal. I readily admit that neither I nor my GF are absolutely certain whether Janie is right for us (I write from time to time on these very pages about my doubts and worries), but we are working every day to come to an answer. I don’t think that is self-loathing; it is more self-discovery, and not being sure of the answer until we get there.
And remember, that unlike you, my GF never chose a TG woman, and has had this metamorphosis put upon many years into our relationship. (It is relatively new to me as well, BTW, and I never hid anything from her.) Being able and willing to roll with the changes in her man to this extent does deserve a heap of gratitude; the vast majority of wives cannot and do not do so.
Petra Bellejambes
Our gender explorations can be so all consuming as to obscure the realities that our partners endure and enjoy. Nice to take a moment to think about loved ones near us.
Very nice also to get insights on how these things work in your home dear Janie.I think that the gratitude you express for your partners adaptability and support is very much the voice of your feminine core. Surely that is a quality that we are all attracted to, your GF included.
I have spent the last few hours helping Mrs. B sort through a wardrobe pruning. She trusts my views on style, and is becoming quite comfortable in seeking my (oddly expert) views. This is a small step in the right direction.
I think this shows that a little patience, and sometimes big helpings of it, are required in any home, and especially in homes like ours.
I must quibble on one point though. Peculiar, certainment. Bi-gender? Bien sur! Dysfunctional? Pas de tout!
High function in high heels. Keep it up m’dear.
xxoo – Petra
cdjanie
Petra, I thank you for that.
shantown
I wonder if, sometimes, acceptance and understanding from a partner can sorta keep an emerging girl “under wraps”, for lack of a better way to say it. Let’s see if I can explain…
I’m blessed with a spouse who does her best to accept and understand me, as you can figure from our conversations. I can be a girl at home regularly,as she doesn’t mind being around me. I find it’s been my response to try not to take advantage of her loving acceptance. The freedom, if you will, to follow and explire my feminine expression has actually led to what can only be called “self-imposed” limits….limits that try not to take advantage of her acceptance.
I’ve often wondered how far my expression would have come by now if she was not so understanding and had simply said “NO” to the whole thing. Would we have split up…would I be FT by now….would I have found a way to control all of this for the sake of the relationship?? Would any of those possibilities be considered “better” than where I am now??
Gosh, I’m confused. I just don’t know…….
cdjanie
The trouble is, there are no clear answers. But maybe it is not her acceptance that is making the difference you speak of, but rather it could be your reluctance to push it. If you had, you might have come up against that resistance you talk about, and the consequences. Or not. Who knows how far she might have been willing to accept? “Self-imposed limits” means you chose this point to stop, not her. Being appreciative of her acceptance is different from not asking for it. I think in a way, depriving yourself of more Shannon lets you feel like you are giving too; but there are so many ways to give in a relationship, and most of the best ones feel as good for the giver as the recipient. Self deprivation is not really giving. Compromise, especially of such deeply personal needs, is only necessary when you reach an impasse.
I offer the above as food for thought for a friend, and not in any judgmental way. I hope it helps you and that you don’t think I am out of line.
shantown
Not at all. It never crossed my mind. Thanks so much for your input.Well intentioned “food” is never out of line. Seems there is a compassionate, caring heart behind that wonderful smile of yours.
Now, ‘scuse me…..I’ve got some “food” to go chew on….chomp-chomp 🙂