“I started doing this, I guess, 4 years ago now. I’m still not sure, even today, if this is something that I’m doing or something that I am. It’s a really big issue for me, because if it’s something that I do, then I have to start asking questions about why I’m doing it. Is it productive? Is it self-destructive? Is it procrastination? Is it guilt? Is it not right? Are you true to yourself? All that kind of stuff. But if it’s something that I am, well, that’s what I am, and I might as well just stop the pretense of a lot of things. But I don’t know that yet. I really don’t.” – Claire Black
8 comments
Louise
Hi dear Claire,
I do understand you. It is so fundamental, scaring it is also, frightening, at the same time desirable and enjoyable. But in the end it is you. It is part of your deepest self. Productive is not a word that fits in this situation, nor procrastination, nor guilt. There is something fundamentally wrong with our society imposing guilt or whatever because one does not fit in the frame. You are you and so you are wo-man. Beautiful and enjoyable for others, pleasing others, befriending others, giving others the joy of a marvelous human being, a great soul in a fe-male appearance. What’s wrong baby?
Does it scare you that some feel offended by your doings? Do not bother, and feel free in your expression as woman or man, and both in one. It is an art in itself and you are good at it. Stop torturing your mind and conscience. Love.
Louise, I thank you for your concern, but I am not so much worried about others`opinions as my own. If, as you say, it is me, then I will follow that path, and be happy. But this introspection is necessary for me to be confident that it is so, and evidently, I am not nearly as sure as you are that I am “wo-man.“ Hugs, Janie. (Claire or Janie – either is fine)
Wow! Lot’s of deep questions there, gf. I’m still not sure I get why all of this self-doubt has surfaced, but that’s okay. Nobody says I’m supposed to understand.
I think these are questions we all face at some point. Guess I just figured you had already worked past them and had your answers. I found two more cents, so I guess I’ll throw it out there….see what happens….
It seems that,to a point at least, many times what we do will eventually flow from who (whom?) we are deep inside. If not, and we “do” contrary to our true self,then, at some point, there will be a terrible inner conflict and discomfort. After all, this is at the heart of any trans girl. The girl inside finally becomes terribly uncomfortable with the male “doings” on the outside. Or, the male inside could become uncomfortable with this female “hobby” that he’s been sidetracked into. Only you know….or can know… where you are here. If you let anybody else tell you, then you’re not being true to yourself. Is it societal issues that are making you sit back and say, “wait a minute”?….or is it the male you fighting back and saying “enough is enough”? As I’ve said, that must be what therapists are for.
But what if the first two answers match? “Yes” it is something I’m doing because “Yes” it is who I am? The two aren’t mutually exclusive, ya know. I get the impression you think they are. Could you be at a point where it’s gnawing at you that I “do this” because I “am this”….and it has scared you because you’ve always felt you could float back and forth at will. I dont have a clue here… I’m no therapist. I just hate to see other girls struggle the same way I do, andhave, struggled. Even for the “I am” sect, it can be hard to let go of the old male part. After all, we’ve done it an awful long time. Our girl self is ready to set sail, but the old boy self just won’t let go of the rope holding us to the past. This can come from a lot of reasons not cinnected at all with the do/am debate.
Another good friend went through this exact self analysis several years ago….same questions, etc. She’s now a full time female…..prolly shouldn’t have said that…..
So, go get a cup of coffee. I’ll do the same…and we’ll meet back here to talk.
😀
Shantown said: “Even for the “I am” sect, it can be hard to let go of the old male part.”
Don’t let go of it. Absorb it into the female of yourself. Otherwise you won’t be a whole person. He (the male part) just has to step back and let the female part of you lead.
Shannon, you are a fount of wisdom. I do understand that we are what we do. It was a sorta sound-bite way of making a point – drawing the distinction between things we do that are true to ourselves and those that are not. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether “the male inside (has) become uncomfortable with this female “hobby” that he’s been sidetracked into“ in the sense that it is a dysfunctional distraction, or whether it is that “the old boy self just won’t let go of the rope holding us to the past“ in the sense that the male part is just scared for me to follow my true path. And, Shan, I am not scared of being a full-time female per se – I could manage it easily; I just want to know my own mind and heart, that`s all. Finally, as to why this self-doubt has surfaced – well I have kinda forced the issue… I need to know, and just going about my business gleefully and taking what comes was fine to a point, but Janie keeps wanting more, and before I start doing things that take me beyond the point of no return, I need to know what I am doing and why. I think you`ve just inspired another post, darling!
I am going to do my workout and then get that cup of coffee. If you`re around, we can talk. 🙂
This may sound simplistic, and at first I thought it was rather silly, but now I rather believe in it. It was something written by an “expert” that I read many years ago. It said something to the effect that if doing “this” (i.e. cross dressing, etc.) lead to an orgasm the person probably had some form of behavior “problem”. At the time I must admit learning how to feminize myself was driven by great sexual arousal and massive orgasms. However, once I became Trish DuBois 10 years ago all that was replaced by a much more intense feeling/enjoyment that I can not explain. No need for erections, they became a thing of the past (much to the dismay of many of my men friends).
We had a disagreement about this a bit back. To me, men who dress as women for the sole purpose of getting an erection and having an orgasm are enjoy a sexual fetish. It is something they “do”, and usually not very well i may add.
I believe Janie is much more that that.
T.D.
Louise
Hi dear Claire,
I do understand you. It is so fundamental, scaring it is also, frightening, at the same time desirable and enjoyable. But in the end it is you. It is part of your deepest self. Productive is not a word that fits in this situation, nor procrastination, nor guilt. There is something fundamentally wrong with our society imposing guilt or whatever because one does not fit in the frame. You are you and so you are wo-man. Beautiful and enjoyable for others, pleasing others, befriending others, giving others the joy of a marvelous human being, a great soul in a fe-male appearance. What’s wrong baby?
Does it scare you that some feel offended by your doings? Do not bother, and feel free in your expression as woman or man, and both in one. It is an art in itself and you are good at it. Stop torturing your mind and conscience. Love.
Louise xxxx
cdjanie
Louise, I thank you for your concern, but I am not so much worried about others`opinions as my own. If, as you say, it is me, then I will follow that path, and be happy. But this introspection is necessary for me to be confident that it is so, and evidently, I am not nearly as sure as you are that I am “wo-man.“ Hugs, Janie. (Claire or Janie – either is fine)
Louise
Why Claire Janie? Thought I misspelled, apparently not.
Louise
shantown
Wow! Lot’s of deep questions there, gf. I’m still not sure I get why all of this self-doubt has surfaced, but that’s okay. Nobody says I’m supposed to understand.
I think these are questions we all face at some point. Guess I just figured you had already worked past them and had your answers. I found two more cents, so I guess I’ll throw it out there….see what happens….
It seems that,to a point at least, many times what we do will eventually flow from who (whom?) we are deep inside. If not, and we “do” contrary to our true self,then, at some point, there will be a terrible inner conflict and discomfort. After all, this is at the heart of any trans girl. The girl inside finally becomes terribly uncomfortable with the male “doings” on the outside. Or, the male inside could become uncomfortable with this female “hobby” that he’s been sidetracked into. Only you know….or can know… where you are here. If you let anybody else tell you, then you’re not being true to yourself. Is it societal issues that are making you sit back and say, “wait a minute”?….or is it the male you fighting back and saying “enough is enough”? As I’ve said, that must be what therapists are for.
But what if the first two answers match? “Yes” it is something I’m doing because “Yes” it is who I am? The two aren’t mutually exclusive, ya know. I get the impression you think they are. Could you be at a point where it’s gnawing at you that I “do this” because I “am this”….and it has scared you because you’ve always felt you could float back and forth at will. I dont have a clue here… I’m no therapist. I just hate to see other girls struggle the same way I do, andhave, struggled. Even for the “I am” sect, it can be hard to let go of the old male part. After all, we’ve done it an awful long time. Our girl self is ready to set sail, but the old boy self just won’t let go of the rope holding us to the past. This can come from a lot of reasons not cinnected at all with the do/am debate.
Another good friend went through this exact self analysis several years ago….same questions, etc. She’s now a full time female…..prolly shouldn’t have said that…..
So, go get a cup of coffee. I’ll do the same…and we’ll meet back here to talk.
😀
Ashley
Shantown said: “Even for the “I am” sect, it can be hard to let go of the old male part.”
Don’t let go of it. Absorb it into the female of yourself. Otherwise you won’t be a whole person. He (the male part) just has to step back and let the female part of you lead.
cdjanie
Shannon, you are a fount of wisdom. I do understand that we are what we do. It was a sorta sound-bite way of making a point – drawing the distinction between things we do that are true to ourselves and those that are not. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether “the male inside (has) become uncomfortable with this female “hobby” that he’s been sidetracked into“ in the sense that it is a dysfunctional distraction, or whether it is that “the old boy self just won’t let go of the rope holding us to the past“ in the sense that the male part is just scared for me to follow my true path. And, Shan, I am not scared of being a full-time female per se – I could manage it easily; I just want to know my own mind and heart, that`s all. Finally, as to why this self-doubt has surfaced – well I have kinda forced the issue… I need to know, and just going about my business gleefully and taking what comes was fine to a point, but Janie keeps wanting more, and before I start doing things that take me beyond the point of no return, I need to know what I am doing and why. I think you`ve just inspired another post, darling!
I am going to do my workout and then get that cup of coffee. If you`re around, we can talk. 🙂
trish1700
This may sound simplistic, and at first I thought it was rather silly, but now I rather believe in it. It was something written by an “expert” that I read many years ago. It said something to the effect that if doing “this” (i.e. cross dressing, etc.) lead to an orgasm the person probably had some form of behavior “problem”. At the time I must admit learning how to feminize myself was driven by great sexual arousal and massive orgasms. However, once I became Trish DuBois 10 years ago all that was replaced by a much more intense feeling/enjoyment that I can not explain. No need for erections, they became a thing of the past (much to the dismay of many of my men friends).
We had a disagreement about this a bit back. To me, men who dress as women for the sole purpose of getting an erection and having an orgasm are enjoy a sexual fetish. It is something they “do”, and usually not very well i may add.
I believe Janie is much more that that.
T.D.
cdjanie
I am not sure what we disagreed about before, but I certainly agree with what you`ve said here.