09
2011Why Now? – Getting Real
Some of you may be wondering, as one reader asked me the other day, why “all this self-doubt has surfaced.”
First, I thank all of you for your concern and encouragement. But, don’t worry, I’m not despairing.
The truth is, I have kinda forced the issue…
I have been Janie for some time now, and for the most part, I have just let things unfold as nature would have them unfold, and took it as it came.
I have followed a well-worn path of first dressing alone at home, then, feeling the need to get out of the house, I started going to clubs and finding out-of-the-way shops and cafes. I started posting photos and thoughts on the internet, feeling that the vastness of the world-wide-web offered sufficient protection to my identity – that those I knew would be unlikely to run across my images – and that has held true, so far.
But, as Janie develops, I have found that it is never enough.
I have hit a wall as a girl. I need a real life… to be able to go to work, or to volunteer, or to take classes, or even just to shop for groceries or whatever if Janie is going to continue to develop as a real person. 
More to the point, if being Janie is going to be a constructive influence in my life, she has to have a real and vibrant social circle, and make a genuine contribution in society.
Otherwise, at best she is just entertainment – a way to happily pass the time, like watching TV. At worst, she could be a distraction that is highly destructive to my former life.
But these things are not possible without living in a way that is sure to conflict with the existence I have had until now. Simple things like inviting people to my home, or going to a professional meeting or even a social event, or starting a business, is going to let everyone know who and what I really am.
And so, before I pass the point of no return, I need to know what I am doing and why. I need to have real confidence that this is right for me, because unlike the past, which until now has been fun and games, this kind of life will be forever.
Ashley
It almost sounds like you’re asking “Should I be Janie? Or my (Male) self?” Which is really only a question an experienced transgender counselor can answer. really.
You make a couple of intersting comments:
“More to the point, if being Janie is going to be a constructive influence in my life, she has to have a real and vibrant social circle, and make a genuine contribution in society.”
And:
“And so, before I pass the point of no return, I need to know what I am doing and why. I need to have real confidence that this is right for me, because unlike the past, which until now has been fun and games, this kind of life will be forever.”
This sounds to me like you might like to transition, Socially if not physically. Again only a counselor can help you decide.
I don’t know you except from what I’ve read on this blog. But the sense that I get is that you really enjoy the lifestyle of being a female. You also pass reasonably well, even in “boy” mode. But you shouldn’t let those conditions overly influence you. You need professional help in determining what is best for you.
cdjanie
Ashley – and this comment is equally directed at you too, Shannon – I can only repeat what I have said before, though for some reason you don’t seem to believe me: I am not interested in choosing between Janie and my guy self. I do not want to have to choose. It’s not the point. I want my girl side to have a real and normal existence, just like my guy side, and alongside my guy side. I love the idea of being either gender according to my preference and would hate to give that special ability up. It may turn out that society forces me to choose, but I don’t have any desire to do so. Of course, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t benefit from talking to a therapist, as you suggest. Having the right people to talk to is an essential part of sorting out many of the confusing and contradictory feelings and thoughts we all have. In my view, a strong circle of friends can often be enough, but most of us, myself included, have neither the quantity nor quality of friends to do the job. I’ve never thought a therapist is a magic bullet or even someone who has all the answers. But they are someone to talk to, who will not/should not judge you, who can ask the right questions and listen and help you find your own answers. I thank you for your concern and your advice and I hope you will continue to bless me with both. Really I do. xo Janie
Ashley
It isn’t that I don’t believe you that you want to have both “lives”. But in order to experience Janie as a legitimate “life”, you need to determine which side of you you prefer. You will have a preferance. If Janie is your preferance you are HIGHLY likely to attempt to transition in some way. There are way too many lives similar to yours for this not to be your story too.
The binary IS a strong and alluring thing. You may not desire to chose NOW, but you might be wiser to know where you’re really headed.
Really, see a counselor.
shantown
I have to agree with Ashley. Though you have said several times at least that you do not desire to transition, it sounds like that’s where Janie is heading. Maybe that has surprised even yourself. I know full well the need to interact socially as your female self…to have people relate to you as a woman,and on much more sincere levels than the “club scene”.I’m there with ya.
Ashley’s right….find a counselor. Let him/her know that you need more than just “fun and games”. Let them help you decide if this is really you or not…..
Then send me their name, would ya?!?!
shantown
BTW, great pictures!! You are, indeed, such a girl.
Edy
Hi Janie,
I have been visiting your site for sometime now but this is my first post. Like you I have stuggled to find peace with my transgender condition. I too have progressed from crossdressing to going out and now I want more too. Like you I am not nor want to be a femme guy. I am a very pretty feminine woman and a handsome guy. My question is why do we have to choose one or the other? Who said that we cannot have a life as both a man and a woman? I think there is alot of pressure put on us to choose one or the other. Sometimes I do feel that I would be happier being a girl fulltime but then I see where I would miss things about being a guy. I wonder if it is possible to have a full life in both genders?
cdjanie
I would hope so, Edy, but depending on one’s circumstances, real life constraints can make that quite difficult to achieve, even if we get our own minds and hearts straight about it. For most of us, the people in our male lives would not be willing to accept the existence of the feminine side, and having to hide that side puts limitations on her, which are what I am currently running up against. Then, there’s that pesky – “there’s only 24hours in a day” problem – hard enough to live one life, but two? Still, like you, that’s pretty much what I am after. Thanks for the comment, and it is nice to know you’re out there 🙂 xo Janie
Edy
I know that it can be really hard to put your femme self on the shelf to please those that are in your life. I was married for a long time and I struggled alot with finding the right balance and the freedom to fully express all of me. I think my ex was ok with things when they were private, but when I needed to find fuller expression of my femme side she really struggled. I had a hard time putting my girl side in a box. I wanted friendships and a social outlet as a woman. I don’t blame my marriage not lasting on the unwillingness to compromise. I just think it can be really hard for the women in our lives to embrace the women inside of us. I am not talking just tolerating or accepting, but embracing. When we embark on this gender journey of ours we do not know where it will lead. None of us remain the same person if we want to grow. It does take alot of energy and time to get the chance to explore both of our genders but what are the options? We must be true to ourselves and I believe if we seek that out then we can draw to ourselves those that can accept us as we are, not as they want us to be.
cdjanie
Well said. The issue for anyone, though, is that there will always be so many more people in our lives who had accepted us as we were, not as we are or will be. So, there is so much potential loss, which can be hard to accept or deal with.
Edy
I have found that for me I have come to accept that I will have some people that will know me as Edy and some as Ed and some will know both. As I said before this is a journey. I am not sure whether I will want to be a fulltime gal one day. Then everyone will need to know. They want have a choice. For the time being I have come to peace with the need to tell those that need to know.
deena17
Janie you mentioned dating a lover or 3. Who would you date? I hardly think a heterosexual man would be interested so that leaves you with a gay man who relates to you as another man. Of course I am using the term lover as someone a person has sex with.
cdjanie
Deena, I am no expert on these matters, but from what little experience I have had, and from what I know of others’ experiences, I can tell you that your idea that there are two kinds of men – hetero and gay – is far and away too simplistic.
There are guys out there who have been straight all their lives who are looking for something new or kinky, there are bisexual guys who like the idea of both male and female wrapped into one, there are guys who like only femininity in their lovers but don’t relate that well to genetic women, there are guys out there who may be simply denying their own homosexuality by insisting on being with women and men who look like women, and there are a million variations in and among all of those.
I have met men who treated me like a girl and wanted to have sex with me. I have met men who thought I was a girl and who were undeterred by the fact that I was differently equipped when they found out; some were actually encouraged by the news! I have met men who date only women and tgirls, not other men.
Above all, the very existence of tgirls should alert you to the fact that there is more to human sexuality than gay/straight.
So, who would I date? A handsome guy who makes me feel happy and safe and feminine and whose idea of the sexiest thing on earth is a certain redheaded girl with something extra.
Fiona Alexis
The first thing to do is stop talking about yourself in the third person. Many Ts who are ‘part time’ face this double persona dilemma and the where do I go from here question? If you want to go full time and you need to go full time then that what you should do. But it’s what YOU need to do. You’re not trying to satisfy some demanding female alter ego.
cdjanie
Fiona, I think you are nitpicking just a bit about this third-person thing. Your comment also seems to indicate that you are presuming the very state of affairs that I am questioning. The point of this post is that , before I move forward in a way that will invite very real consequences, I felt a need to step back and re-examine and confirm whether the feminine part of me is a true, positive and essential part of me rather than a dysfunctional and artificial appendage to my personality. To do that, I have to look at Janie apart from the rest of me. And, it is necessary to convey my thoughts clearly’; replacing “she” with “I” in my post would make it incomprehensible.
gswi
Janie, I’d like to bring up a completely different point:
you, much like me, don’t want to give up either side of you.
A big, and unfortunately very important part of everyone’s life, is your daily work to earn the much needed money.
This is (in general, exceptions exist of course) still much easier for a man, they get the better jobs and earn in average more money.
And, as much as I hate to say this in 2011, there a still a lot of societies where men are ranked ‘higher’, and have more rights.
Not the only legal rights, but also the rights what they do and what they do not in everyday’s life.
They enjoy more freedom.
That are some of the reasons why my ‘main-life’ is and always will be my male ego.
Sounds awful rational, doesn’t it?
Cheers,
Gabriela
gswi
Sorry for the randomly scattered words, the wordpress-editor really sucks. After 2011 it should read “there are still”, and in the next sentence there’s a ‘the’ too much.
cdjanie
Gabriela, there will be those who will say that it is not worth denying what you are for a few dollars or any other practical reason, that your soul is at stake. It is a hard argument to refute. But, we all live among others, and within communities, and our quality of life will be determined in no small part by how we interact with them. So, we do what we think will make us happiest.
It is worth noting too, that while you compare how your freedoms and financial opportunities are better as a man that they would be for a woman, that is not really the comparison that matters for you – rather it is the comparison between a man and a tgirl. That’s very different.
Finally, I’d like to point out that I do not accept the premise that men have more freedom or more rights than women in our society. Of course, it depends on what country, what community etc you live in.
xo
Janie
gswi
Hi Janie,
let me explain my reasoning in more detail.
As for your first paragraph, I fully agree, money can’t buy you peace of mind. But my point came from the premise that you are (more or less) equally happy in both male and female mode and and you’re able to live both.
I disagree with the last paragraph. Besides the countries where women are STILL oppressed, it’s even in our highly developed western society not true.
Cheap, but still valid example? Have a different girl each weekend as man and you’re a womanizer and lady-killer. Do the same as woman and you’re a cheap slut.
It hurts a bit to say this, but it’s reality. Maybe less in the big anonymous towns, though.
Cheers,
Gabriela
Ash
Janie
You may be confused and working this out but you certainly have a good clear thinking had on your shoulders. You have thought ahead about where this could take you and always make great points. I doubt I could offer you any advice that is better than what you yourself can come up with. Although I do sense a theme of wanting a male lover for Janie. A wonderful fantasy for many a beautiful reality for far fewer when it happens and a tragedy of guilt and confusion for more than a few. But either way it is a step that once taken can not be erased. One that you need to be prepared for and one where the partner you chose and thete reasons for chosing you are so critical to the experience. I doubt I can offer you any advice better than what you can come up with yourself. You have thought it out and seem to be taking it slow. I do offer support whether you take if further or continue with the status quo.
Hugs
Ash
cdjanie
Ashley,
Experience is often a much better teacher than logic and analysis. You sound lie you’ve been where I might be going, so your counsel is appreciated.
xo
Janie
shantown
Hey there….was just wonderin……all of us are just talking heads here…faces and thoughts from miles away. Myself, I certainly mean well and support you any way I can….but I, and I guess the others, can’t actually be there in person to offer any type of support….
So I was wonderin…..where does gf, stand on all of this…or is that being nosy? Sorry if it is? Are the two of you talking this out at all, or are you just stuck with all of the “wonderful” advice from all of us?
cdjanie
GF and I talk about everything, Shannon, if either of us feels the need. She is currently of the mind that she would not be pleased if my being Janie became common knowledge among our friends. But she is letting me take my time and sort through all of this and I haven`t really brought it up other than that she reads all my posts. If I decide that it is àll ahead full`with Janie, then we are going to have to figure out how to resolve our conflicting priorities. But, we`ll fall off that bridge when and if we get to it.
Fiona Alexis
Nit picking? Perhaps Janie. But I always feel that ‘third person’ talk is symptomatic of splitting off a female persona and I still think that is what you are doing.
To me the questions are:
Do I feel so intensely female that I wish to live my life as a female? Y/N
If ‘no’, is my need to present as female and express my female-ness so strong that I need to integrate it into an openly bi-gendered life? Y/N
If ‘no’ – you can pull back into some closet.
If ‘yes’ you’re stuck with it – and you need to adjust your life accordingly.
My personal experience is that, if you are in relationship where your partner is uncomfortable with her transgendered partner, then it is very difficult, if not impossible, to live an open tranny lifestyle and maintain that relationship.
Being far too opinionated for my own good – I’d say that psychologically you’ve already passed the point of no return.
Anyway good luck with it.
Fiona
cdjanie
Fiona,
Your take on all this is interesting, but I am not sure whether your certainty in your position is just you being opinionated or you being expert.
One thing I can tell you is that my answer to both your questions, as phrased is “I don’t really know for sure.” Or, to give your opinion as much credit as possible – “I don’t know that I know.” (My inclination is to believe the answer to #1 is No. Question #2 could go either way… and it is really where the focus of my pondering is right now.)
BTW, the relationships I am concerned about damaging are those with family and friends rather than my partner, who has been accepting all along.
Ashley
Janie:
Betty of Helen and Betty (She’s Not the Man I Married and My Husband Betty), found it nearly impossible to live a dual existance. Betty ended up transitioning. Mostly because it became easier to deal with even mundane activities like buying a cup of coffee. So it isn’t easy to live a dual existance. You can isten to Helen describe some of these realities here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/sisters_talk/2010/01/07/helen-boyd-kramer-author-of-my-husband-betty-on-sisterstalk-radio
I’m not saying you need to transition. Just be aware that living a dual existance is very difficult. If you use the emigration analogy to transition, living a dual life is like trying to live with one foot on both sides of the border. Petty soon you’ll find that someone will likely make you choose which side of the border you want to live.
As to dealing with family and friends, it isn’t as daunting as you think. Some friends will likely drift away. But that happens anyway transness or not. Family can be trickier, but they probably are OK with it if you’re honest about yourself.
Ashley
cdjanie
I hear you, Ashley. A dual existence is tricky, but there are rewards. And yet, I do understand that it becomes so very tiresome having to hide that I imagine the only dual existence I will be able to accept long-term would be, as Fiona described it, “an openly bi-gendered life.” That is, everyone would know both sides of me, but I would choose my own preference as I pleased.
Maybe that’s unrealistic too, and I might still have to choose. You seem to know more about this than I do.
As to family and friends, I am not that worried for the most part; establishing a new circle of friends with different mindsets and attitudes is part of the allure of this new life anyway.
shantown
If one….okay, you…. were able to establish and live an “openly bi-gendered lifestyle”, I wonder if any of the friends would truly be HIS FRIENDS. Know what I mean? Would there be friendships with macho, masculine guys who do guy things, and would ignore the female side? Would you even want friends that far on the male spectrum?
Just wondering…again… if the friends would really be Janie’s friends who weren’t fazed bv Janie dressing up like a guy now and then. Hmmmm…..
I heard it said once, on a totally different issue, that you can CHOOSE your friends, but you are STUCK WITH your family….a tongue in cheek way to say that, yes, we can establish new friends, but we’ll only ever have one blood family……and how important is that family??
cdjanie
Shannon,
I think it is misguided to believe that guys who can’t handle the idea of a tgirl are necessarily macho neanderthals. My friends are pretty middle-of-the-road regular guys with wives and kids and regular lives, who I suspect simply couldn’t get their mind around anything as far out there as Janie.
shantown
The family issue is an interesting one…. one that I grill myself on rather frequently. I say that I keep my female self under wraps, for the most part, and away from them, so as to “protect” them. Then I ask myself, “protect them from what?” Am I protecting them from possible abuse they may face because they have a family member that is transgendered? Am I trying to keep them away from any embarassment there for them? A good friend recently came out to her 12 year old son. All went well…the boy loves his dad..but he did say, “don’t embarass me dad”. Hmmmm
Then I flip myself over on that grill and ask anothe question….am I really protecting them, or am I just protecting myself from possible rejection on their part? Or both? Do I hide behind “protecting them”, when I’m truly protecting myself? I’m not sure, your honor. I plead the fifth.
The possibility for loss is always there, either way. I guess it just comes down to what are we willing to lose. But…..the POSSIBILITY for loss doesn’t mean it will happen. We just might WIN!!
I wonder how often somebody misses out on winning (oh no, I sound like Charlie Sheen) simply because they are scared of losing….so they don’t try….
shantown
Hang on…. time out!! You said……
“Shannon,
I think it is misguided to believe that guys who can’t handle the idea of a tgirl are necessarily macho neanderthals. My friends are pretty middle-of-the-road regular guys with wives and kids and regular lives, who I suspect simply couldn’t get their mind around anything as far out there as Janie”
I couldn’t agree more. That’s why I didn’t call them “neanderthals”… you did..Your next sentence just supports my point….”regular guys….regular lives…who..couldn’t get their mind around…Janie.” Maybe “macho” was the wrong word, but if “regular guys” can’t relate to Janie, then you’re pretty much left with Janie friends who accept her either way..If so, wouldn’t that life then be based mainly on the Janie side? Not trying to argue here. I guess I’m just not sure how you’d define an “openly bi-gendered life”
Maybe I just misunderstand, or am completely wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. Then again, that’s why I ask questions……
..
cdjanie
Shannon, honey, I didn’t mean to put words in your mouth, but so you should know, the words that gave rise to my assumption of the kind of men you were talking about were “friends that far on the male spectrum.” Sorry if there was any misunderstanding.
And, of course you are right. Being openly bi-gendered would send those guys away. I don’t know if I’d say that the friends I would have then would be “on the Janie side” but they would probably have to be new friends who knew both sides.