27
2011Out of Body Experience
One of the reasons I sometimes doubt the authenticity of my feminine side is that I find myself almost with a feeling that I am observing myself.
I have many things to remember to do differently in order to be the woman I imagine myself to be, and there is a sort of internal dialogue going on sometimes as I evaluate myself.
That doesn’t seem natural and so I start to get a sinking feeling that if it takes so much effort, it may just be that I am putting the whole thing on. I start wondering whether it is simply an exercise in self-deception.
But, I probably should cut myself a little slack here.
Whether I am truly a woman in spirit or not, decades of doing the male thing tends to be habit-forming – there is a lot of old behavior to unlearn, and those same decades of living without doing the female thing means I have a lot of new behavior to learn.
And, here’s a beautiful piece of proof: after just 4 years of being Janie, I find myself forgetting myself, from time to time, in guy mode.
No one would ever say that having to remember intentionally how to walk or sit as a guy means that I am not a guy.
Good for the goose, good for the gander…
shantown
Yes, cut a lot o slack. Everyone “learns” what to do, how to act. Young girls learn how to act, how to carry themselves, at an early age……either taught by mom , siblings, or some other role model they look up to.
So we’re having to learn that now…doesn’t mean we’re “putting on”, or deceiving ourselves. To me, it just means that we’re having ot go through a very conscious adjustment, relearning and overcoming the male things we have unfortunately learned over the years.
Any new physical skill, habit, practice may feel odd at first, and needs very conscious effort. After a while, it too becomes natural, and happens without a second thought.. Patience, dear…patience.
AshleyP
You’ve been doing this for, what, 4 years? You just haven’t learned to be instinctively feminine and maybe you are not as feminine as you think. That does not mean that Janie is not a valid identity for you. Not all women are naturally feminine in movement and mannerisms. Most are reacting to trained behaviour patterns just like guys. So give yourself some room and unless it causes you to be clocked (which I doubt), I would just let the occasional slip-up pass.
trish1700
Not only does being Trish allow me to dress and look the way I prefer, it allows me to act naturally, which is very feminine. At times I too have caught Trish being very “guy”. I have to remind myself “you don’t have to pretend any more, just be yourself.”.
Also, men like us who enjoy being rather attractive “t-girls” is no small
thing. A rather huge mental, social, cultural jolt. It all seems so natural to me that I forget that.
T.D.