30
2011Equal and Opposite
I hate to rain on the parade of the “I told you so”’s out there, but my wonder and joy at feeling so feminine while spending a solid week living as a woman has given way to an equal and opposite masculine feeling.
Since I have been back, I have had to be in a male mindset non-stop for almost a week, managing construction and landscaping issues and other business matters. (Don’t ask!)
After all that solid guy time, my intention to switch to girly mode today for a Halloween Party tonight and tomorrow night has met with no small amount of internal resistance.
It feels pretty-much forced.
Far from having landed on a one-way street to hormones and transition, I am contending with many of the very same feelings I had when switching back to boy mode after Provincetown.
I just don’t really feel like it.
And, I am not sure what it means…
Ashley
It most likely means you’re torn. You basically need to choose ONE. It is no secret that most TS’s CAN work acceptably in male/female form. They’ve been doing it for several years. The issue is that it no longer feels right and/or they’ve felt that they were no longer whole.
You seem to be straddling the fence right now. One side wants to remain male the other side wants to transition. (Yes, I said that word). The question to ask is “Where does it feel ‘most right’ for me?” For that you need a therapist. I’ve told you to go get one before. Really. Not that you MUST transition, but you need to determine what your true feelings are and if transition isn’t for you for one reason or another, you need to put Janie back in the bottle as much as you can.
cdjanie
Thanks Ashley for your advice. I’m afraid I still haven’t come ’round to your conclusion that I have to make a choice. I value your input and do measure my feelings against your experienced advice, but I am not yet convinced.
I like being both, and though it can be stressful to switch back and forth, and there are practical difficulties, I think it is still better than giving one up altogether.
Seleena K
Wow .. great discussion on this one. I was going to remain silent but feel compelled to jump in.
Janie, please know that it isn’t always necessary to pick a side and that you can have a very happy and fulfilling life somewhere in the middle. It’s just a matter of coming to the realization that this is where you belong.
There will be compromises .. there always are. Support from within “the community” will dwindle; you’ll get a label and will be viewed as a 2nd class human in most TG circles but, if it’s right for you, the benefits are huge and will seem to increase as the years go by.
It’s not about being CD/TV, You could be a dual-spirited person. He is he and she is she .. and each is careful not to hurt the other. .
We’re rare but we’re out there .. and are often the one’s with the biggest smiles.
cdjanie
Yeah, Seleena, ain’t that a fact!? 😀 I am constantly surprised that people feel I have to choose, while I feel pretty much as you describe – dual-spirited. But, then again, I may be giving off a different impression, of which I am unaware – and who knows, maybe they’re right about me?
Ashley
I’m saying your feelings may be a little too deep to be a middle path-er. It can be done and middle-path lives are not to be dis-respected. But your descriptions of your feelings when Janie sound to me like the middle path may not work for you. You seem to not only enjoy being Janie but that you relish in it. What I’m suggesting is that you should sort out your true feelings now before you get to the point where Janie won’t go back into the bottle. And if she needs to come to the front, perhaps permanently, you can do so with significantly less disruption to your life and those you hold dear.
cdjanie
Ashley, I respect your opinion. I accept the possibility that I am too close to things to see them clearly, and that you may be seeing my true feelings more accurately than I do. I believe I want both, but I am now on guard for signs that perhaps I am fooling myself.
AnnaRosa
I cannot believe the level of non-reality here. “Boy-mode”….”Girl-mode”???
Excuse ME, but you REALLY can’t have it both ways. I mean you “can”, but what planet is that? OH! That’s right, Planet-TransGender.
Look CDJanie. It’s obvious from your many pics, that you can “do” girl pretty well, and gee…isn’t that fun! However, FUN is one thing, R E A L I T Y is definatly something else. Keep it simple. Don’t mess up your life.
And just a little food for thought. Where did your therapist aqcuire his/her expertise? Has he or she “walked the walk”, or did they just read some “studies” or the “latest research” written by some doctoral candidate that HASN’T GOT A CLUE?
cdjanie
Annie,
It IS fun over here on Planet Transgender!
That said, I am mindful of your advice not to mess up my life. Though I am not sure exactly in what way you mean that, I have my own worries in that regard (perhaps the very same as you imply, but I hesitate to assume).
Understand that keeping it simple, as you say, was not doing it for me before, and though there may be smarter ways to cope with what might have been lacking in my life, finding my feminine side has re-energized me.
It is fun, but it is not a game. Switching genders is not an act, a pretense or a fetish; neither is it superficial. It is genuine and meaningful to me, even if it admittedly isn’t absolute, or necessary.
It is not my intention to offend or upset those who have had to deal with the difficult challenges of having an internal gender that didn’t match their physical gender, nor those for whom gender has been never been a question at all. But I am neither of these.
I am just a person who feels like she has a wonderful gift – to be able to choose between genders as it pleases me. Sometimes, it can be a bit much to cope with, but that’s a small price to pay. I just want to find my little place in the world where I can be accepted and loved – both sides – openly.
I hope that makes some sense.
(As to your last paragraph, what therapist are you talking about?)
Cyrsti
For my part I hope you can tell me “I told you so” and be happy in either gender.
On the other hand if you can embrace both of you right now and not pressure the process Janie, more power to you.
After all, did you put a time limit on a decision as huge as what gender you want to spend your life as?
Probably not.
cdjanie
Thanks, sweetie. I have always felt your sincerity and love you for it.
No, I haven’t put a time limit on this decision, but perhaps I should. It is not so much which gender I want to spend my life as, as it is how far I want to go with my life as Janie.
I have yet to yield to the notion that I will ever be anything but both.
shantown
Don’t think that the boy side is going to go down without a fight….if he goes down at all!. Maybe you’re at that point where you’ve realized that there might be more to this than just dressing up and “presenting” as female. That’s a very tough point to be at, as it calls for tough decisions. All my best to ya there, hon.
cdjanie
Shannon, honey, I have always realized that there is more to this than presenting. I have always said that it runs much deeper than that. But, like I told Cyrsti, above, I am not prepared to choose, only to try to find the right balance between the two sides of me.
shantown
While you’re working on that balance, just be careful that you don’t lose your balance and fall off. I’d hate for you to get hurt…(that said both somewhat tongue-in-cheek…ha ha….but also very sincerely).
Fiona Alexis
I don’t think you should over analyse your feelings Janie. It just means that you’re at a low point in your biorythms – or you just can’t summon up the enthusiasm right now. Believe me, if tomorrow for whatever reason, you became restricted and lost your freedom to express your female side, as and when, you felt like it – you would become very frustrated and anxious very quickly. From what I can see, you have a great dual gender lifestyle. But you don’t have to be girly every second, every minute or every day – otherwise you lose your tranny membership card. Fiona xx