09
2013Trying on the Yaoi Gender Mix for Size
Yaoi, to my understanding, are cartoons involving love between young men possessed of a large dose of feminine beauty. I have been wondering lately whether such a concept has any application to me. (I realize that I have briefly explored this concept of gender before, but I think I am a bit more open to the idea than I was then.)
Thinking about the gender spectrum, what if I, or rather my gender mix, took a step back from being female, tiptoed across that spectrum just past the tipping point back to the male side? My hair is already a profound statement that I have moved along the spectrum towards femininity from my old masculine self; I could push it further by wearing a bit of makeup, or jewelry, or piercing my ears.
(Funny that! Piercing my ears is something I have been scared to do as Janie, but it seems like one of the easiest steps to take if I consider it in the context of feminizing my male self.)
Doing this would have a bunch of positive consequences.
First, I could stop leading a double life – which is as much of an issue internally as it is externally – and just be a guy, although, at times, a very feminine guy.
Although I have never been a fan of feminine men and never wanted to be one myself, being Janie has changed that somewhat. I actually find a haunting attractiveness in both men and women that combine genders in a particular way, which is to say that they are nominally masculine but otherwise entirely feminine. The woman who prefers to dress in masculine clothes and wear her hair short but otherwise is feminine; the man who is smooth and delicate and grooms and conducts himself in a feminine way, whether he wears women’s clothes or not, whether he considers himself female or not. The picture – and when I say picture, I mean both in terms of appearance and behavior – is one of femininity with an alluring difference.(Turn your gaze up to the top of this post to see Hirofumi Araki, a male Japanese singer, as a nice example.)
Second, it would be so much easier for me to understand myself as being a guy who is more or less feminine according to his moods and circumstances, just as I am more masculine when I play hockey than I am when I am cooking. My friends would see more or less the same person they do now, but I wouldn’t be a different person than I am when I am feminine.
Third, if I am ever “caught” in my feminine moments, say wearing makeup or nail-polish or whatever, it would be so much less of a big deal, again because rather than having a secret identity or a secret life (or gender), I am just a few shades different than they have seen me all along.
It may seem like I am drawing large consequences from an insignificant change, but the change is not a small one, I don’t think. As always the more of your opinions I get, the more helpful it will be. Please chime in.
(Note: The drawing is from http://irreeltal.deviantart.com/art/Envy-gender-bender-114366754. If the artist wants this removed, please contact me, and I will be happy to comply.)
Klyde
This sounds like a delaying tactic to me.
Janie
Delaying what, Klyde? If you mean avoiding, well, it is an attempt to stickhandle around some of the issues I have been having. I welcome better ideas, and never said this one was perfect, that’s for sure.
Ashley
Somehow I don’t think this will prove to be your answer either. I don’t think it will be genuinely you.
I’ve told you before to get into some sort of therapy. A fully experienced therapist in trans issues can help you find what your truth really is. Get twoif it makes you feel better. Just tell them that you don’t believe that you’re transsexual, but you want to find what your truth realy is.
gwen
Thank you, Janie. These discussions have been very thought-provoking. I envy you your natural beauty and femininity. There are those of us who simply don’t have the ability to be as fluid on the gender scale as you are and for whom the choices aren’t as broad. My self-perception is increasingly female, but it comes into conflict every day with the balding, middle-aged male in the mirror-who no matter what he does; nail-polish, whatever-presents as male. My body is unforgiving that way. But when I present as female, it’s as all female. I prefer there be no traces of the masculine. What I mean to say is that my experience, physically and culturally(my generation), hasn’t allowed for the kind of fluid thinking or self-definition that you seem to be seeking. In my situation it’s “…either ,or…” I hesitate to place you within the boundaries of my own cultural experience as I think the culture is seeing a huge shift towards greater understanding and tolerance. Your generation is just more open than mine was/is–and I think that openness and tolerance will continue expand out into the hinterlands as well. (A sweeping generalization, yes–but I frequently work w/younger people–for many years, now-and there’s no doubt the change I speak of is real ) In the meantime, I agree w/Ashley; therapy has helped me significantly, and if you find the right therapist, you will have a guide to help you navigate these fairly tricky waters.
Janie
I don’t know how young you think I am, or how old you are, but my generation sounds an awful lot like yours. It is just that when a man becomes a woman, it is never “either, or” no matter how pretty.
Sure, one can pass in the mirror; less so in life; and obviously so much less so in the bedroom. At the point where one’s dual nature is exposed, it becomes a choice of whether we want to perceive ourselves as women with masculine parts or extremely feminine men. “Either, or” has left the building.
cyrsti
I still think the “either” has not left the building. On any given morning, I consider do I feel feminine with masculine parts or masculine with a feminine appearance? Finally got tired of the stress and embraced the process.
Of course on the other had you can not be gender fluid without the world knowing.
At some point in time you will just have to decide who in the world is important to you and let them decide what they think about you.
Even you have said many do “sense” something different about you so many won’t be surprised…right?
Therapist or not…at some point you are going to have to face yourself and make some decisions.
Good luck gf…been there…done it…scary.
Janie
Decisions… that is another roadblock – there is some comfort in staying within the indecision rather than committing. Point well taken.
Mila Fontaine
Janie, I think your thoughts here are exactly where my life has led me. I think this is neither a delaying tactic nor denial but a very viable choice for those who don’t feel they have to buy the strict gender binary. As we have talked before the synthesis of anime/animus is completely energizing and allows the interplay of our whole human being. The process is a slow awakening, as you know. There is also the acceptance that more rigid & fearful people will try to cause difficulties. I can assure you that our real friends, new friends & most family will not only accept us but come to view our synthesis with admiration over time. I’m so pleased to see your evolution on your own, getting a “Therapist” is a waste for you I think as you have the courage to work this out in public with an open heart………
Janie
Thanks Mila, for your faith in me and your kind words. I am not sure this is the place I am destined for, or just another theoretical stop along the way. I keep trying on ideas to see if they fit, and so it goes…
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Suzi
Janie – you have an interesting row ahead of you. One thing that might help is to understand why you have a need to be in multiple places on the gender spectrum. My old site has a bunch of articles but the one on the biological reasons for trangenderism and popping from the closet might be interesting – http://reocities.com/suzijet/index.htm
I has taken me a long time and 3 marriages to finally get Suzi into balance. Piercine my ears in 2008 just before Sparkle was a big step in moving forward. It also gave me a much better selection of earrings :). Don’t wait forever to get yours pierced.
Love,
Suzi
Janie
Thank you for your comment, Suzi. I had a look at some of the material over there – lots to read. I am not sure how much applies to me… Why do I need to be multiple places? Only 2 places – male and female, actually, and I do it because I seem to be comfortable in either role but not in combining the two. One role is familiar, and easy and “normal” and accepted; the other is none of those, but is joyous and exciting. Then also, my GF wants me to be a guy sometimes, so there’s that too.
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