05
2013Therapy
It has been a bad week, blog-wise.
First, someone I thought was a friend expressed “sorrow” at my “gender struggle.”
Then, no less than four others responded to my next post with a recommendation that I get therapy, one of them going so far as to liken trying to find one’s way on her own to representing oneself in legal proceedings – invoking the well-known saying that a person who is her own lawyer has a fool for a client.
I also like sayings – and the more appropriate one for today is: if three people tell you you’re drunk, lie down.
If three people tell you you’re drunk, lie down.
A blog tends to develop a culture of its own. You put provocative thoughts out there and, depending on who sees your blog and who comments, they may respond with equally provocative analyses, opinion or conversation… or they may just tell you to get help.
Writing this blog had several goals for me. I wanted to get my thoughts out there for discussion, to see if others had similar or opposing ideas, and to clarify my own thoughts. I wanted to share my experiences and doubts so that others who are lost or confused or just curious could find a place where they could find answers, or at least good questions – and know that they are not alone. It would have been nice if others had been motivated to share their own experiences and if there had been vibrant discussion about the many topics covered. I was also hoping that some people would find inspiration in following my progression. And finally, I was hoping that people would come to know me and perhaps I might find some good friendships out of the deal.
All of which has come to naught. It is starting to emerge that I am just making myself look like a lost and pitiable soul, which is far from the truth and still farther from my intentions. (I suppose I always knew that was a risk when discussing such personal matters.)
My Own Therapy
And so before it gets any worse, like the saying goes, I am going to “lie down” – or at least lay down my pen. I am going to take some time to try to figure out where this blog went astray and decide whether it is worthwhile to resume writing it with a somehow different approach.
In the meantime, I can benefit from living without being attached to this blog. I have sometimes wondered whether I am more a t-girl blogger than a t-girl – don’t worry if you don’t understand; I do. Point is, getting away and living my life without writing about it may be a good thing – therapeutic even.
It will also give me more time to focus on photography and modeling. So, for those of you who are interested in that side of me – who see me more as attractive than afflicted, intelligent rather than in trouble, channeling pretty rather than pity – you should start to see more content on this site, here in the blog section as well as the Galleries, though I intend to enjoy a total break for a while first.
I also hope to finally get going on the Taste section too.
As much as I am disappointed in how my first shot at blogging has turned out, I am hopeful that I will learn valuable lessons from the post-mortem and from the experience of separating myself from it.
Thanks for listening…
Larry
“I” follow your blog and learn a lot from it.
I have never felt it was my place to
(suggest) what you should do. Strange howbthe new social media seems tp give everone the
right to comment about everything and
everyone. Wishing you wellness and happiness,
Maybe someday I will be lucky enough
to meet you.
Larry
Janie
Thanks, Larry. Perhaps we shall have the pleasure one day of meeting each other. Who knows?
Andie
Don’t despair Janie. I blog for therapy too. I would not advise you anything in particular, but you do need to find a certain liberation in order to be truly happy as yourself. My abiding impression of your writing has been that of someone circling round and round something they would rather philosophise on than change. I wish you real happiness in coming to terms with whatever is preventing you from settling.
Janie
Andie, some of the “circling” is otherwise known as producing content. But, I do appreciate your kind wishes.
joanna
For what its worth I dont think therapy is necessarily the way to go. Depending on who you get you can get talked into things. Better that you reflect here and let your feelings gestate a bit. Things will come to you slowly and organically over time and then the way forward will become obvious to you.
You dont suffer from depression or guilt is all the more reason to avoid therapy.
I used therapy for the guilt and shame but once that was removed I realized no one else could give me answers except ME…
shannon
Oh Janie, I hope none of my comments have ever caused your disappointment. I’ve followed you with great interest and appreciation for your willingness to share. I’ve drawn from your thoughts, and offered my own in the interest of conversation about this very confusing journey of ours.
I hope you won’t stay gone long.
About finding friends…yeah, I hear ya. I’d like to think you found at least one. Take care!
Cyrsti Hart
Janie,
Perhaps you were referring to me as the source of the “sorrow” comment.
Most certainly none of what I said was ever meant to hurt you…God knows I get enough of that on my blog. It’s tough to agree to disagree when only written words are used to communicate the emotional differences we discuss.
Maybe a better discriptor should have been chosen – but the fact remains I DO read all of your posts on your gender trials and tribulations and feel your pain.
How about I hope you come to a reasonable satisfaction that you can live with?
🙂
xxnicolecd69
Hello Janie,
Please don’t stop writing. That is how you are trying to sort things out! I have found that many of us are at different stages and those that are further along in their journey have forgotten the struggles and questions they faced in their early stages and therefore are lacking understanding and yes perhaps some sympathy for the struggle we are having trying to decide the best course of action for ourselves. I have tried to befriend or look for those people who have an understanding of what I (we) are going through and perhaps receive some advice from them but because I am not progressing fast enough for them or I am unable to make a quick decision about my life they move on and are not interested in befriending me and learning about me. I am frustrated as well but I hope I can find a friend out there somewhere. So, PLEASE, do not give up! Love the Photo!
Think of me and smile, you are not alone!
Jessica Britton
How about those of us who see you as intelligent and well spoken? I mean, it’s nice to be attractive, but I don’t follow a blog because of how someone looks. I READ blogs. I want to hear what people have to say, see their insights and thoughts, even if I don’t follow the same path. And remember, for some of us, writing is some of he best therapy…
Janie
I did mention intelligent, Jessica. Anyway, people follow blogs and visit sites for all sorts of reasons. There are those who come to read interesting thoughts and others who prefer seeing appealing photos. I happily accept both. Beyond that, when I say “attractive,” I am not simply referring to appearance; attractiveness is equally about personality, humor and yes, being intelligent and well-spoken.
Dee
Janie – In my life i have followed a saying from several 12 step programs “take what you need and leave the rest”. Any attempt to educate or discuss any topic will open the door to the so called experts. Everyone shares their position, but only you know what fits you and what brings you to a better place physically, mentally and spiritually. Please don’t be gone too long, but please do what you need to do for YOU.
Hugs -Dee
Janie
Thanks Dee. 🙂
Suzi Jet
Silly girl – those of us who suggested therapy were simply cheering you on. Therapy is a normal next step in the road you seem to be on. We think of you as totally attractive (not afflicted,) wonderfully intelligent (not troubled) and one of the prettiest girls on the planet (not someone channeling pity.) To those of us who have been around people wandering the gender spectrum, you seem to be on a path to a possible transition. Matters not what you finally choose, as long as it works for you.
Therapy is not a sign of weakness but rather about the same as getting a strength coach so your workout is safe and most productive. If you don’t want to go to the Olympics that is okay. As long as you haven’t damaged anything during a workout it is okay if just getting in better shape is your goal.
You are loved, we find you most interesting and enjoy your writing. Don’t let anything said throw you off your game. Let your fingers do the talking and don’t deprive us of your fabulous company.
Love,
Suzi
P.S. You are blessed to be where you are. I met a girl today who is 24, has known she is was trans for a long time but was prevented by family and other circumstances from moving forward. She wasted most of her life fighting the system and she had no hope. Today she was offered a place to stay and all the support she needs to move forward in a clean. safe environment. She went from lost in space to safe in 24 hours. Girls like you are her role models for style and grace. The world would be a darker place if your light disappeared.
Janie
Suzy, darling, the PostScript to your note is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I am truly touched. xo
alice
its such a shame that people have to be negitive instead of trying to be open minded. i think your blogs are insiteful. as a c/d who im sure couldnt pass but try to dress as tastefully as i can. i fell alot of times the same as yourself only i cant put into words, your blog helps me put into words how i feel. keep writing for all of us who do understand please.
Janie
Alice, thank you so much for writing; thanks for making me feel like I am making a difference – it means a lot.
shannon
Me again…
There’s an old saying that coaches and pastors have one thing in common….many times the only comments they get are negative ones, complaints. Maybe we can add transwoman bloggers to the group. Please don’t let a vocal few deter you. I think it’s clear that the vast majority of readers appreciate and respect your views…even if they do so silently a lot of the tlme.
Ashley
Janie: If my comments have you contemplating no longer writing. then I ma truly sorry. I hurt you and I never intended that. All of my recomendations for you to get therapy wasn’t meant to imply that your feelings and ramblings here were in any way pitiable.
Far from it.
Just that we are, by and large, not therapists and we are not present in the room with you. We can’t ask “the questionyou don’t want to be asked”. We can’t tell your emotional state or determine if you’re not being entirely forthcoming. Most of us have never met you in person. A therapist will get to know you, perhpas in ways better than you. That’s their job.
What we do know is that people have had similar questions and have only gotten the answers when they talked it over with a licensed therapist. It’s just the way of the human existence. Sometimes, you need to have someone stand above the maze that is your life and help you find the path. .
Janie
Ashley, I appreciate where you’re coming from, and even your concern for me. But you misconstrue the raison-d’etre of this blog and my motivation for posting. I never meant to have my readers take the place of therapy or answer my questions or solve my problems for me. I put forth my thoughts, my opinions, my experiences, and I would have been happy if others had simply shared their opinions, their own experiences, their points of view. My intention was to foster discussion and camaraderie. Sharing my doubts and questions was more about letting others know that perhaps the doubts they have are the same as mine, and yours and those of anyone else who chose the share. Sharing my uncertainties was about showing the strength to admit not being perfect in the hopes of inspiring and educating others. Sometimes, I just wanted to vent. Sometimes to entertain. Occasionally, perhaps to provoke. But never to have others look at me and think, “Oh dear, she’s all confused and in need of help.” And, ever since you started, way back, advising therapy for me, others have followed your lead to the point where the last post had 4 people telling me to get help. The blog has become exactly what I had not wanted – a place where others feel the need to help me, instead of my effort to help others. Even worse, the blog has become a place where “Get help” substitutes for any actual real input. The trouble with advising therapy is that it short-circuits the discussion, it is a substitute for participating or offering anything personal, for talking about anything I might have raised. I am not hurt or insulted by the suggestion of therapy as much as I am frustrated by it – because it undermines my efforts at fostering conversation and engaging people.
Jay
And floating on air is a pretty good feeling 🙂
Mary-Margret
I support your decision to take a step back Janie. It can all get overwhelming, especially when you put a lot of pressure on yourself to find answers to the questions that have been on your mind for many years. Answers don’t come easily. I for one, have been down that road and had to turn back. For myself, anyway, I found that living in the moment was good enough.
There are hundreds of reasons for doing what we do and they may be different for all of us. On some days, maybe one or two of those reasons come into play and on another day, maybe four or five different ones may motivate us. Some days the motivation is not there at all. When I get my femme on, I try not to focus on the reasons for doing it but try to focus on the pleasure and satisfaction of that moment so that it will leave me with a positive and lasting memory.
Taking a breather is a smart move. Your personal, internal harddrive is over heated. The cool off can be very satisfying and refreshing.
I am always here for you.
XOXO
Mary-Margret
xxnicolecd69
Well said Mary-Margaret!!
Gina
Hi Janie,
I have been lurking and following your blog (and the earlier one) without ever giving back by writing a comment. Now I wish I had written you a note before.
While I don’t always fully understand where you are coming from, you have been an inspiration for me.
I have gone from being a totally in-the-closet cd to a gurl who goes out in public and who came out to a coworker with wonderful results. I am planning a trip to esprit this may.
I probably would not have had the courage to start down this path if not for your pictures and writing. I hope that you find a way to continue to put yourself out here in some way that is rewarding for you.
– gina
Janie
Gina, I can’t thank you enough for writing. It brings a tear to my eye and a tinge of joy to my heart to know that I have made a difference in your life. I am floating on air 🙂
Gina
Aww shucks, now I am tearing up too!
I have been thinking that I should start a blog at some point and one of the topics I would want to write about is crying. I have learned that tears of happiness are a real thing!
Debbi
Hi Janie! Just happened upon your Fabulous site while searching out some ideas for a photo shoot i have coming up this weekend. Nice to come upon your writings as well Girl! I’m really looking forward to seeing you in may!! 😉
DebbiSoCal
Chelsea
Janie,
From my perspective, you have never evidenced on this blog any need for therapy.
What I do see is an incredibly brilliant woman who is trying to create space for living along the gender spectrum rather than on either end.
Most of us live somewhere in the midst of this spectrum, and this recognition causes great fear in members of our community who have given up a great deal to conform to the gender binary we currently have. That is the source of the friction here, from my perspective.
Take care, and I hope we can go prowling soon.
C
Janie
Heya Chels,
I was just thinking about you yesterday – I flipped through your flickr page and saw some nice new piccies, presumably from NY. Looks like you had a blast!
If I might tinker a bit, I think my situation is less living “along the gender spectrum” than wanting to live, according to my mood, at either end (or close to it), instead of choosing one or the other and sticking to it. There is a limited amount of gender-blending that I find attractive.
That said, it is still my contention that the main issue on my blog is that readers have come to the unwarranted conclusion that I am seeking their help in solving my problems, or indeed that I am in some way tormented, troubled or lost, instead of understanding that I am simply attempting to foster discussion on these topics, share experiences and create community. Perhaps the root cause of this is as you described it; I don’t know.
p.s. Prowling together sounds like a delightful idea 😉
Chelsea
Janie,
Thanks for the compliments. I get a little better every time I go out as Chelsea. Prowling sounds it is.
I think your comment hit the nail on the head — creating community, not looking for answers.
Xo
C
gwen
Hi Janie-
been awhile. I stepped back from blogging too, not too long ago. I guess I’ve come to a point where I want to focus on living it and not as much on writing it.
And I’d pulled back from reading blogs about the same time. So when I checked in on my blogroll today-, after about a month-the first thing I noticed was no new writing from you. So, of course I had to check in.
Yours has always been my favorite blog-for its honesty, its intelligence and the depth of your inquiry. On more than one occasion your thoughts inspired me to write something on my own blog-whether it was about the “gender-spectrum”-or about sexuality-or whatever–you prompted me to look deeper into myself, my own thoughts and preconceptions–and to look anew at this mode of being that we are all exploring. Yours has consistently been the blog that probes the most thoughtfully into the breadth of your own nature–and thus asks the most questions about our nature as t-girls–and provokes the most interesting thoughts in myself. I have always admired your courage and your apparent “joie-de-vivre”. You’re a lot of fun as well as smart, and naturally pretty too- qualities I’ll always be envious of.
So-while always thoughtful, your blog is entertaining too.
As for therapy–well, it’s been good for me. That’s all I can say. You ask deep questions–you’re a person examining what it means to be alive, what it means to be TG–and because those are sometimes difficult and tangled questions, readers ( sometimes myself among them) might have misconstrued your inquiry for something else.
I’ll miss you-and I hope you come back when you’re ready. Meanwhile-enjoy life!
Janie
Thanks for your lovely note, Gwen. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
Ashley
Janie,
I have always enjoyed your blogs and feel I have watched you grow over the years. And I may have grown a bit as well. You are a wonderful person and very insightful and open. I am sorry others comments have bothered you to the point of thinking of stopping. It would be a shame for someone with so much to say and share to be silenced by a few. I have always enjoyed your provocative nature. Whether it photos or stories or what I find most provocative – your ability to ask deep questions and make me look into myself . I do hope you continue and know you have my support.
ash
Janie
Thank you Ashley; it means a lot. I hope you are well and your journey goes well. xo Janie