The recent implosion of my yaoi gender identity project (as described here) deserves just a little more attention.

My attempt at an androgynous presentation was shot down in no uncertain terms by a family member – which was somewhat shocking considering the contrast to the reactions, or rather lack of reaction, from close friends.

But there was an important distinction.

The family member in question KNOWS about Janie. And my androgynous appearance was in circumstances where we had agreed Janie would not appear.

Androgyny or Cross-dressing?

The question still remains as to whether I was being chastened for my male choice of fashion, or whether I was correctly perceived as female.

There remains the important inference that attempts at androgyny can be interpreted as cross-dressing, that perhaps it is too much to expect that others not immersed in the “gender identity” headspace note the distinction between “feminine man” and “woman.”

But, there is also the notion that perhaps the reaction could have or would have been different if I hadn’t confided the existence and possibility of a female side of myself.

There was no horror or admonition (though there were questions) regarding my long hair, or my removal of body hair, which came prior to my telling of Janie. I wonder whether there will be any reaction to ear-piercing, if I do it in the future.

Are my rights being infringed?

I am not trying to be a trouble-maker, or to make anyone’s life difficult, but it seems to me that the distinction between androgyny and cross-dressing remains valid.

As much as I may respect a family member’s wish that I keep my alternate gender identity on the shelf in certain circumstances – and I am sure there are those out there that feel even that is too much for them to ask – being told how to express my masculinity amounts to a veto on my fashion sense – which is clearly an unfair intrusion.

I have it in me to give

Nevertheless, as you all know, I have consistently stressed my affection for and interest in my masculine male side. The unmistakable inference from that simple fact is that to channel my feminine male side where it is clearly unwelcome is mischief.

I have done it (without malice to be sure), and the reaction was more than I imagined – especially given the total equanimity with which it was received in other spaces.

I needed to know. And I will not do it again.

Now knowing the lay of the land, and having that genuine masculine male within me to offer, I’d just be a shit if I didn’t keep my femininity to myself in circumstances where someone I love is made uncomfortable or unhappy by it. Accommodation is the right thing to do.

The story would surely be different if there was no masculine me. But, in fairness, I do believe the reaction to me would also have been different.

I will say that I would be happier if I were completely accepted whichever part of myself I chose to offer – and that is surely part of the reason why I pushed the limits in the first place. But, you can’t have everything.