01
2012Authenticity
Now that I have discussed Roles (and Multiple Roles) and Impressions – The Message of Our Presentation, it is time to go back to the questions I posed last week about being an imposter or intruder.
The other day, I found myself having to switch back and forth between my two selves.
I woke up and went to a neighborhood cafe to write my blog as Janie.
But, I knew that my lunch was going to be with family members who expected “him” and this was to be followed by a little road trip to meet some people in the evening: more Janie-business.
It is a bit of a trip switching back and forth. Here is a stream of consciousness about my day: I put on an androgynous t-shirt and light-colored feminine jeans that roll up to capris, showing off my new anklet; I went to the bathroom at the cafe in the morning an used the women’s room; while working, my hair was getting in my face, so I took out my hair clip and pinned my hair up; just before leaving for lunch, I rolled down my jeans to cover my legs, and went back to the bathroom – this time the men’s room; as I was leaving, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror which reminded my to take that hairclip out of my hair (sheesh!), at which time I decided that a manly pony-tail was more in order; I had my lunch date, and then transformed myself back to the way I looked in the morning for the drive…
Each change of clothes entailed a change of mental focus and body language. I certainly prefer to just get comfortable in one role and stay that way for extended periods, that’s for sure; this was exhausting.
But, I AM both genders. I take BOTH roles quite seriously, but one at a time. I was never pretending even through this crazy day. At any moment, I was exactly what I presented myself to be; no deception, no ulterior motive, no interloping.
Ultimately, it dawned on me that the feeling of being an imposter was not, and is not at all about how others see me but how I see myself.
Andie Davidson
It is, Janie. You have two presentations, you are both genders for as long as you are comfortable to express that and be seen as that.
But you have one self. You are one person. You have never been anyone else, and you will never be anyone else. Don’t even think about dividing yourself up mentally.
cdjanie
Yes, Andie, you have touched on something I have been struggling with – the fact that although I know I am only one person, it feels like I am somehow two. I’m not sure “presentation” is a big enough word to capture the way I feel about changing genders.
shantown
Once again, your last sentence nailed it.
I’m curious though, did you wear the same outfit through the day, or change at some point? Your description sounded pretty feminine to me. Feminine jeans, rolled up or down, are still feminine jeans. I’m sure “up” was much cuter. Was “he” subtly letting “her” show to the family?
And did you just say that Janie went to the men’s room?….after she had gone to the women’s room
earlier? That’s awesome….or hilarious….or both.
cdjanie
Shannon, I did wear the same outfit through the day – at least until the evening party, when I put on a dress. Those jeans I have are quite the gift of versatility – at least I think so. So, no, I don’t believe I was showing anything to anyone who shouldn’t know.
And no, Janie didn’t go to the men’s room, “he” did. I don’t want to belabor the point because some people seem awfully touchy about sex-segregated bethrooms (as if society could not exist without them).
Ashley
This is part of the cost of compartmentalizing your friends and families knowledge of Janie. If you were out to all of your friends or family and co-workers, you could then ask (or be told) how to present. In this way it would make your daily life a little simpler. There are many who have to do this while starting transition so you’re not alone.
Andie is right, you are only one person but you have two presentations. Right now you seem to be becoming a male woman. This is a male who prefers to present and live primarily as a woman. This is not an common nor easy presentation in the world which is why it is so uncommon.
cdjanie
Wow, Ashley, your comment surprised me a bit. I know how to present to my friends and family already; that much is clear. To me, the cost of compartmentalizing is precisely that I have to present differently to different crowds. You seem to be saying that if I were out to everyone… …it would be exactly the same. Screw that! If I were out, I wouldn’t ask anyone anything; I would present as I pleased. To me, that’s the main benefit of telling!
Ashley
True, you can presnt how you please. However, some may prefer “him” to “her” and they have that right. You have the _option_ of accommodating them or moving on.
What you seem to be asking us in all of these recent postings is “If I’m NOT both male and female in my personality, then one of my presentations is an imposter. Which one is it? ” That question no one can answer for you. In a lot of respects you already have your answer. When you got up and went to the cafe, you went as Janie, then you had to transfrom yourself to “him” and then back. You already seem to prefer to live as Janie. Maybe it’s time all the important folks in your life know your preference?
MIkki
Like I was saying in my reply the other day. You’re an imposter. Get over it. It’s who you are. And how many of us guys who wear ladies clothing look as good as you? I’d LOVE to be as good an “imposter” as you.
Give yourself credit for walking in the virtual footsteps of the great cartoon sage, Popeye, who always said, “I yam what I yam”. Go with it. Be the person (people?) you are and leave it at that. Lots of us would swap positions with you in a heartbeat. Being an imposter is only a bad thing if you’re dishonest with others or yourself.
Andie Davidson
There are no imposters among people who are being honest in their presentation. I became an imposter only when I realised I was a woman and was satisfying my fears by dressing male for specific situations. That was dishonesty with myself. No-one else can say you are an imposter, because only you know. Others may have expectations or misidentify you, but that’s their business. Just never pretend anything to yourself, or dress simply to assuage others’ needs to pretend gender is singular M/F.
shantown
Maybe somebody should look up the definition of “imposter”. Looks like we may have different definitions or interpretations going on here.
Andie Davidson
“a person who pretends to be someone else in order to deceive others, especially for fraudulent gain” (Oxford) – ?