Aug
15
Today is one of those funny days when I don’t really know what I am.
I got up this morning knowing that I can be as I wish, then got dressed in a white pair of pants that are technically male clothes, but not categorically so.
I thought about what to put on top for a minute, then settled on my favorite green top with white stripes – a nice complement to the pants, and as feminine a top as the pants were masculine – in other words, debatably so.
Androgynous running shoes completed the androgynous outfit.
I hung around the house for a while, eating breakfast and answering emails and such, then had to go out.
I decided to accessorize my look with a necklace and two rings, and in a last minute decision, put on a touch of mascara and subtle lipstick.
The clothes are, as I have said umpteen times before, merely a reflection of my mood, not the other way around.
Read More»Jul
24
It has been a trying couple of weeks, with a ton of family obligations that necessitated too much guy time and very little Janie-ness.
It is always surprising what strange things leave their mark in my perceptions…
What hit me was that, yes, I actually do have some nice male clothes. Who knew?
In the past couple of years, I have rarely had need of more than two pairs of pants and a few tops, since I wear male clothes quite sparingly, and so I had just been pretty much wearing out my few faves over time.
But with daily use, I had to delve further into his wardrobe. And, guess what? I have some nice stuff, and some of it is even bohemian enough to pull off with long hair.
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Jun
18
I doubt I am alone in confessing that I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.
I’m not talking so much about the makeup mirror, but more about just seeing the reflection of my female alter-ego.
It seems a common affliction of my tgirl sisters, and I am not immune. It is an old joke that if you want to stop a tgirl in her tracks just put up a mirror.
There are a number of reasons why we do this, and the reasons change for each of us over time.
In the beginning, for me, I think it was mostly about how I couldn’t believe it was actually me. Also, there tends to be a certain element of sexual arousal in a gurl’s early days.
The Mirror of Introspection
But all that has long past. These days, it is more about my questioning myself. And, to that end, I tend to inspect not just Janie’s reflection but that of my male self.
Loathe as I am to admit, seeing beauty in the mirror supports the notion in my mind that I am truly female and doing the right thing in following that path, while noticing masculinity in my reflection tends to incite doubts as to what this crazy guy is doing.
The truth of the matter is that neither is of any importance at all. It is all about what’s inside.
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May
20
Last time, I spoke about trade-offs that I make in my effort to be capable of assuming both masculine and feminine roles.
In a conversation with a friend, who confided that it took her 3 hours to get ready each and every time she went out, it hit me there are some compromises I am simply not willing to make.
I am not judging her – she’s totally fabulous, in fact! But, the truth immediately hit home that among the many things I am willing to change, give up or massage in order to allow Janie to flourish in my life, a 3-hour lead time was nowhere to be found.
I am just the girl-next-door… ok, with a twist… and maybe some exotic spice added. The point is that I am just regular people, and I want to be able to be who I am any day, every day. It is not a performance; it’s not an event; it’s just life.
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May
18
I play hockey. No, not Janie, him! Yes, him – the guy that I am.
I have always been fairly good at sports, and quite competitive, and I proudly love and play Canada’s game – hockey.
But, there I was last time out, when a guy took a shot that hit me in the ankle and smarted like the ever-lovin’ dickens! And, what do you know, but the only thought running amok in my head as I crumpled to the ice in pain was, “Oh, no! I am going to have a bruise; how will I ever be able to wear that skirt and heels next weekend?”
Now, it didn’t take me long to become more realistic in my thinking, but it was no less distressing, “Sheesh, this really f***’in hurts… I might not even be able to walk in heels at all!”
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May
08
As I am going to meet my girlfriends after a long time apart, I decided some pampering was in order. So, I treated myself to my first ever pedicure, and added a manicure (no nail color – for the benefit of 
the customs and immigration officials, as well as the airline employees who, in Canada, are not supposed to allow women with an M on their ID to board a plane).
It was a wonderful experience.
The place I chose had really great massage chairs in which to sit while the beautician cleaned, softened and massaged my feet and legs, followed by attending to the specific
matter of doing my nails. A similarly sensual experience attached to my manicure.
When I was done, I was prettified and relaxed. All in all, a good start to my trip!
Apr
28
Well, another of my friends has just undergone boob surgery, and each time this happens, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if I were to go that route.
It sure would be nice to have a (more) feminine chest, that’s sure.
But, each of us has her own journey to follow.
Boobies would certainly pose problems in my male life – a life I still hold dear. I would never get really big ones anyway, and so they could be hidden, but still…
But, the more important issue for me is that I am still struggling with the extent and nature of my femininity. Currently, I take great pleasure in my ability to be convincingly feminine without surgery or hormones, and, in fact, I consider that to be my gender identity – that I am naturally able to assume the role of both or either, without the need for drugs or implants.
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Mar
24
Their hands caressed every inch of my body, every nook and cranny – well almost. When they were done with me, I was little more than a hunk of quivering Jell-O; it was as if my bones had turned soft.
This was the best threesome I’ve ever had – and I hope to do it again sometime.
For those of you who have never had a “four-handed massage,” I assure you that the experience is exponentially greater than the sum of two plus two.
We are, indeed, talking here of massage, and not euphemistically about anything else. Tsk! Get your minds out of the gutter…
The thing about having two therapists working on you simultaneously is that your whole body is receiving attention at the same time, and you drift into an incredible state of relaxation.
Expensive? Yes. But memorable.
Put it on your bucket list; you won’t regret it.
Jan
19
Yesterday, it finally happened.
I don’t normally kiss and tell, but as there really wasn’t any kissing involved, I feel somewhat free to tell all.
Yes, I met a man. We talked for a while, and I found him intelligent and forthright. Long story short, he gave the impression that I could count on seeing him in the future pretty much whenever I wanted.
Having built a rapport based on trust, I allowed him to get me inebriated. Pretty soon, he got me out of my clothes, and then took out his enormous um… equipment… and, slowly but surely, penetrated me.
By the time he was all the way in, I had actually fallen asleep. It seems he had drugged me…
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Dec
08
Another first for me… I went to a lingerie store and picked out a couple of bras to try on.
Normally, I shop in department stores for this kind of thing, and just make a guess, then take them home and try them and return them if necessary. Also, I usually let GF pay, so she can be the one to return them.
Anyway, there was a cute girl dressed in the lingerie store’s own PJ’s in charge of the fitting area. As I approached, she asked me how many items I had, and then, noting the bras, asked their size. Thereafter, she escorted me to my change room, telling me that she had been trained in fitting bras, and would be only to happy to check the fit for me once I had tried them on.
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