Aug
31
As I was walking around town the other day, I’d take an interest from time to time in whether people noticed that I was not a genetic girl – was I passing?
Trying to be subtle, I could only guess, but I do believe some people “made” me, though no one said or did anything overt. It is possible it was entirely in my mind.
More interesting, however, was that I started to realize that seeing how well I passed was more of a sport than anything to me; I didn’t really care.
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Jul
11
As I contemplate my life – and it all seems so complicated – it occurs to me how simple life is in what I call Disneyland. Maybe, I’m thinking of Mayberry. Or is it Pleasantville?
Anyhow, whichever it is, a boy grows up there all wholesome and unconflicted, finds a local beauty to marry and live with happily ever after, has a satisfying job and 3 kids that came to be in the purest of ways. Everybody is happy. Days are spent in productive efforts and politically correct conversation, and the community thrives. In time, they will grow old and wise, and be surrounded with generations of family and friends, until they slip peacefully into the great beyond, with a contented smile on their faces.
Of course, this is fantasy, but the question is, “By how much?”
I sometimes see certain people on the street that look to me to have come straight out of such a scenario. No doubt, I am projecting, but when I see a young, rosy-cheeked woman in a modest but pretty dress, with a wedding ring on her finger and a necklace with a cross, smiling as she gracefully makes her way to her destination, I wonder…
So, Why Not Me?
Why do I make things so hard on myself? Why do I try to explore all the options, to color outside the lines, to reinvent the wheel? Maybe blissful ignorance and faith in the tried and true is the real path to lasting happiness?
Read More»May
16
It was upon looking at some older pictures of myself that a distressing thought occurred to me… and often, as now, these thoughts become the subject of a blog post…
I fear that since I have become more womanly and authentic, I have also become a lot more… well, BORING!
Oh, don’t deny it! 
Was a time, I’d wear pink hair and 6-inch heels…
…maybe a caricature, but certainly better for the amusement of others than what I am becoming – which is a fairly regular girl. When one is counting on the attention of her viewers and readers, it is not by any means a given that “normal” is a good thing.
Read More»Apr
01
I was on a video-call with a friend of mine the other day – this friend does not know about my little secret… so obviously I was being a guy. Thing was, I was shirtless and sitting there in front of the camera…
It was really strange, but I felt uncomfortable showing off my bare chest…
I kept fidgeting either to cover my breasts or position myself so that they were off the screen.
It’s starting to look like the wall between the two sides of me is developing leaks, and there’s no way to tell whether or how long it will take before the trickle turns into a flood and the wall comes tumbling down. Those of you who have been reading my posts will understand that I have always been about keeping my boy side separate from my girl side. I love being able to be whichever I please whenever I please, but I’ve prided myself on keeping the two sides as separate and different as possible….
Read More»Jan
08
Usually, at this time of year, I am full of resolutions for the coming months, but somehow this year, I have nothing at all on that front.
Of course, I still have lots of ideas for self-improvement, and things I’d like to try, as well as new ideas for this blog. But somehow, I just don’t feel like making resolutions.
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Aug
31
Y’know, I have always been one to want to keep my male and female sides separate. There is much to discuss on the merits or demerits of mixing genders – feminine masculinity and masculine femininity – but I’ll leave those for another time.
Right now, I am talking about my personal efforts to be a real guy when I’m a guy, and a real gal when I’m Jane. This requires, for me, a change not only of clothing but mindset, and so, I prefer to be Janie in as large blocks of time as life will permit, and my male self likewise in big chunks of time.
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Aug
06
“I’m beginning to wonder whether all of the things I love about you are Janie!”
That’s what my girlfriend said to me today. I don’t know whether to be insulted on behalf of the guy who’s been in this relationship for a very long time, or happy that she loves my girl side.
There was a time when she adamantly exclaimed her love for my arrogance, my strength and the hair on my face. But it seems she has been secretly having an affair with a much sweeter, smoother character who speaks in quieter tones, understands her feelings, helps her shop and likes to cuddle. How’s a guy supposed to compete with that?
Read More»Mar
22
Lunch today was spent with a new friend, such a nice girl whose story is similar to many I have heard: Guy meets girl. Guy gets girl. Guy becomes girl. Guy is alone.
The crossdressers I have met, by and large, want just a little tolerance from their wives. Anything more is gravy.
Read More»Feb
14
It was a particularly restless night last night and I woke up this morning feeling anything but refreshed.
I staggered into the kitchen and went through the pre-programmed motions of making coffee, feeling very much the zombie. Then I went and got dressed.
I put on some cotton leggings and a top and looked at myself in the mirror… what a mess I was! Oh, well… Maybe if I wear boots…
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