Jun
08
Sometimes I wonder why I bother… Life would be so simple if I just lived within the lines that society has drawn for me.
I look at regular people who have spouses and children and jobs and friends – and they seem to be happy and leading full and wholesome lives.
They never think about gender, or dating or STDs or marginalization or passing or sexual orientation, or leading double lives, or sneaking out of their houses…
It is a mixed-up crazy world I have built for myself. So many contradictions. So many difficult concepts. So much self-examination and self-discovery. And that’s before we even consider the external challenges.
In a way, it is a very positive thing. It has forced me to better understand myself, to open my mind to new ideas and to new feelings, and to become a better person.
But, there is much work left to be done, and until I can come to some comfortable understanding of the things that continue to trouble me, the whole house of cards is in jeopardy.
May
29
For a long time, just being the woman that I am was something, was enough.
I did everything that needed to be done as a man, and when it was time for fun, there was Janie, the party girl.
But, now I am realizing that Janie has to pull her own weight or risk becoming a fantasy, a pretense.
I cringe a little as I say this, but I need to undertake work, drudgery and conflict, commitment and responsibility, problems and challenges, routine and expectation – all as a woman if Janie is going to continue to feel real to me.
Funny, though, because part of the inner appeal of my femininity has been how light and wondrous it has felt. And, now I seem intent on weighing it down with reality.
Read More»May
28
After a week of partying with Wildside friends, there is a temptation for those of us who are struggling with the place of our feminine side in our lives to think that a week of such fun validates this lifestyle choice.
After all, we find friendship and common ground, we have no issues with acceptance and no need for pretence. And, quite understandably, our hearts soar.
The Pink Fog
We are liberated from our worries, freed of our real-world shackles, welcomed with open arms and smiles and laughter, and exposed to the company of role models and sisters of the same feather.
…and none of it would be possible without being T.
The people we meet would not be as open to meeting others if they weren’t T (we all know that making any new friends in middle age is tough, nevermind great friends). We wouldn’t be as needy without being T. The greatness of the people we meet is inseparable from their T-ness. The ease with which we all find common ground is tied into being T. And, so on…
It is almost irresistible to contemplate that our everyday lives could be just the same, if only…
Read More»May
19
I spoke last time about my concern about getting a bruise while playing hockey as a guy.
But, that is just a little part of the bargain I have made with the devil.
As I live on both sides of the gender divide, I am finding more and more that compromises have to be made on each side in order to allow the other side to thrive.
For the most part, the compromises on Janie’s part are about the things I don’t do to myself – like hormones and breasts and facial feminization.
Though I never really quite thought it all through in advance, my guy side has been making compromises that are becoming all the more obvious as I go on.
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May
04
As regular followers have no doubt noticed, I have not been posting with my usual regularity recently.
Ah, the blogger’s life…
In the years that I have been writing this blog, I have never lacked for things to write about – such is the nature of the wondrous self-discovery that is part of the t-girl life.
And, to be honest, there are no shortage of ideas rolling around in my empty large head (too large for my body, if you ask me) at the moment.
The problem for me has been quite the opposite. I have had so many thoughts and emotions flitting in and out of my consciousness lately, that I feel like a kitten among mice running around and birds flying about… I can’t focus long enough on one to pin it down.
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Mar
06
I had the honor of being asked to do a guest post on Jessica de Leon’s fabulous blog, Jessica Who? To those of you who don’t know Jessica, she is a warm, outgoing, brilliantly funny, and insightful performer and writer. You owe it to yourself to spend some time with her and her friends.
My post, entitled “Second Nature Second-Nature” was published yesterday. To read it, click here. [Ed. Note: link disabled]
[Ed. Note from the future: It seems Jessica’s online presence has vanished – I really hope she is alright. If anyone has any information on her, please let me know. In the meanwhile, I have disabled the links originally provided – as someone else has taken over her site – and I am reproducing the content originally seen on her site (it is mine, after all), below.]
Second Nature Second Nature
Ever find yourself dancing around the house, feeling all feminine and joyful – or is that just me?
Umm… well, I am sure we all have our moments of inner contentment and happiness at how we are feeling as our female selves. In my case, just hearing some of my fave tunes when I am feeling that way will soon have me floating around with the music. (It would be a lot less embarrassing if I could dance at all…)
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Feb
23
For the first time in a long time I found myself thrilled to spend a day as a guy.
I’d almost forgotten how wonderful that can be.
So much so, that when I was doing some writing a month or so ago, I had more than a little difficulty finding any reason that truly resonated inside as to why a person would want to be a guy.
But manhood can be quite a rush. A powerful feeling and a feeling of power. A feeling of strength and control and competence in a way that’s completely different from the feminine versions of those things. (This is an astounding contrast with the feelings I expressed in this post from last summer.)
If I had to find a metaphor, it would be, um… shoes. Masculine shoes and feminine shoes. Oxfords and high heels.
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Feb
22
It is impossible to crossdress in a world where there is no dress, and no dressing. So, clearly, in a world with no clothes, a crossdresser (defined here as a man who dresses like a woman but maintains his male identity throughout) is simply a man.
But, let’s take it a bit further: what makes a naked t-girl female (especially where she has had no surgery or hormones)?
Differently posed, how do you go about being “trans” in a theoretical world where there are no clothes?
That is, in essence, the question asked of me by an insightful reader comment on a post from last summer entitled Cause or Effect? that questioned whether I was trans or not. His feeling was that my answer to that question – or my attempts to answer it – would provide insight on the subject.
And, I think he was right.
Read More»Jan
20
I have often wondered whether I am being unduly generous with myself in allowing that I might be two spirits in one body.
But then, I have an experience that reinforces the truth of that assertion.
I was out and about yesterday, doing my thing in a pretty patterned skirt, pink tights and a white top – and yet I felt every bit a man. It was a bizarre feeling of being trapped inside these feminine clothes, and having to force every girly action. I was totally pretending.
I was feeling strong and somewhat aggressive and practical; not the slightest bit soft.
I remember saying to myself, “These stupid shoes – how am I supposed to get anywhere in these!?” And, “Why am I doing this?”
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Jan
07
Yeah, so I left God out of the title – but this is not about her, this is about grace.
I haven’t really felt all that girly the past few days as work has bogged me down. I scarcely had time for any exercise.
But, today, I demanded from myself that I step away from the computer and do some yoga.
And what do you know, ten minutes into the practice of this graceful, spiritual form of exercise, my feminine spirit was soaring.
Read More»
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