Jul
21
I am currently in the midst of an experiment, taking some time off from being Janie, and seeing how it feels to just be a guy for a bit.
At first, it seemed a hopeless undertaking. I’d catch myself rubbing my smooth thighs together without even realizing I was doing it, or find myself perched on a chair in a ladylike manner. I began to feel that Janie might always bleed through and the experiment would be doomed.
But, a little time has cured that problem – for the most part. I have remained in male mode for the better part of a week now, and I haven’t really missed being a girl too much, at least not yet – although I must confess that I haven’t had a single sexual thought in a while.
Then again, I have just been living the life mundane. I have been busy with work and a few social obligations that would have required the male of me in any event.
The rest of the time, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching about my dual existence – and some good has come of that, which I will share in later posts.
Today, my regular exercise program called for yoga. I may have revealed this before, but I’ll mention it regardless; my guy-side doesn’t do yoga. Or, maybe it is that yoga doesn’t do my guy-side. What I’m saying is that yoga makes me feel like a girl. The moves are graceful, and the whole spirit of the practice is so feminine to me that I never would have taken it up if not for Janie.
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Jul
18
| 3 of 19 © 2011 Connie Tsang; model: Janie Black |
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Jul
17
| 2 of 19 : © 2011 Connie Tsang; model: Janie Black |
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Jul
16
Recently, I had the wonderful opportunity to hang out with a talented photographer; she wanted to take some pictures and hear my story.
The result was more than I could have expected.
Filtered through her keen eye, artistic sensibility and focused curiosity, she managed to coax out of me a collection of evocative pictures and words, and assembled them into a Photo Project she calls “A Day with Claire Black (Janie).”
To be honest, I was quite surprised when I first saw the photos – I had no idea of what she was seeing during our time together until that moment. I think the whole collection is wonderful.
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Jul
03
I have run a few posts questioning my sanity and wondering whether I should be doing this tgirl thing.
In response, a friend (possibly tiring of my incessant whining 😉 ) wrote in and advised me to stop overthinking my existence and just enjoy being who I am – “one pretty, feminine girl,” in her words.
My first thought in answer to her comment was, “I wish I were as sure as you are.”
But, a more interesting thought followed on its heels, as I wrote my response to her comment.
I said then, “Believe me, if the world around me laid down a path to happiness lined with pink flowers and lace, I’d not think twice about it.”
As the words escaped my keyboard, their truth rang out.
It seems that what is not among the many uncertainties with which I am grappling, is any doubt that I would be perfectly happy to live as a woman.
Read More»Jun
29
Many of us t-girls struggle with doubts about whether what we are doing is natural or delusional, self-fulfilling or self-destructive… or is it just me?
The problem is one of perspective.
Read More»Jun
28
Sometimes it is nice to get outside on a beautiful day and commune with nature.
That was my inspiration today as I fled downtown after being stood up (that story another time).
So, I went for a walk on a trail,
among the birds and bees,
the leaves and trees,
the gravel and stone…
On my own,
really alone…
It put me at ease.
Jun
20
I go through many ups and downs in trying to figure out my own personal truth, and I have chronicled some of that on this blog.
In the midst of one recent period of questioning whether the whole thing was/is a sham – thoughts like “C’mon, I’ve always been a guy, still am; why am I doing this to myself?” – I came across the touching and uplifting story of Janet Mock, the beautiful and articulate People Magazine editor who came out as trans in a wonderful interview with Marie Claire magazine.
She has written a book and posted a video of encouragement to transgender youth on youtube (which I have for you, natch!)
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Jun
12
From time to time, I am saddened by feelings of guilt over what I am putting my GF through. I have been meaning to say a word or two about it in these pages for some time, and am finally impelled to do so after having read similar sentiments on the blog of my dear friend Petra.
So guilt-ridden am I, that it seems whenever GF gets upset with me, I take it to be a sign of her patience running thin with my whole charade.
Read More»Jun
02
Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!
This is the second time this has happened to me in the space of a week!
I don’t know if it’s because I am not getting enough sleep, or I am undergoing hormonal changes or what, but I have been a bit moody lately, and sometimes, it just boils over.
No, I don’t go into a tantrum or anything. It is just that in this frame of mind, if I get myself into a situation where there are a lot of competing stimuli and I am having trouble sorting through them all, I just can’t seem to hold onto my femininity.
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