03
2011Cause or Effect?
Am I trans?
Seems like a ridiculous question. And yet, here I am asking it anyway.
This is not a semantic or political issue for me, and it’s not a debate about the meaning of the word or the condition.
The question is meant simply to ask whether the girl part of me is really part of my true nature or not.
I have been an observer of this scene long enough to have come to the conclusion that there are a host of reasons why guys dress up as girls, and many of them have little to do with a female spirit living inside them – at least in my view.
Lots of Reasons
I see guys who fetishize females for sexual gratification, others whose crossdressing seems to spring out of a resentment for women, still others whose feminine persona appears to be an attempt at self-degradation or a result of self-loathing, etc.
This is not about putting anyone down or even analysing them. Rather, I bring up these examples only to illustrate that there do exist reasons for a man to dress up as a woman that not only don’t make that man trans, but are also responses to aspects of their lives unrelated to gender.
I have my own issues – relationship issues, power issues, self-confidence issues and others – that seem unrelated to my gender identity. Perhaps, as with those described above, my feminine side is a response to these, and not a gender thing?
It is a question I need to ask.
And, let me add that, to the extent Janie might be a response to other issues, it could be seen as running away from rather than meeting those problems head on, it could be seen as a distraction, or as a way of procrastinating.
Chicken or Egg? Cause or Effect?
Even in that sense, Janie’s existence certainly helps handle those problems, but is hardly a solution – and hardly productive.
That is, unless those issues turn out to be manifestations or symptoms of a deeper gender identity issue after all.
Of course, relationship issues might be related to a suppressed gender of one partner. Power is related to masculinity and as such touches on gender identity. And, self confidence is tied up in one’s idea of self.
Then, it is possible that Janie’s emergence may not just help handle my issues by distraction or avoidance, but may very well be a real solution… or possibly the solution.
Succinctly stated, it all comes to this: “Did my issues create Janie, or did Janie’s existence within me create those issues?”
I’ll admit that, given the ease with which this femininity has come to me, and my enthusiasm in going with it, that I am leaning toward the latter. I have grave doubts that a regular guy would be able or willing to go to such lengths as I have if the girl within weren’t a real part of his nature.
You Can’t Choose What You Are
What gives me the most pause, however, is that I still believe I am capable of stopping. Not suppressing, but stopping.
I agree with the commentators on a recent post, that being trans is not a choice. You cannot choose what you are. Neither can you stop being what you are.
And so, as long as I remain unsure as to whether Janie is something I am or something I do, I haven’t accepted that I am trans.
One way through is to try on the boy again for size. And, that’s what I am doing. (I hope this better explains my thoughts in Whyfore Art Thou Romeo and Not Juliet?) We’ll see where that leads.
I hope I’ll have my answer. Soon.
Ashley
Whether you’re trans or not only you can say.
In my case, I didn’t dress often or extensively or go out in public prior to my transition. My time en femme was personal. It didn’t manifest itself in “feminine” mannerisms or activities. However, my sense of self as female NEVER went away. It had to be dealt with. My path was transition. My only regret is that I should have done it far sooner.
If your “issues” manifest only in your male role and not your female role, then you have to decide if the issues are causing your male role to be dysfunctional and if the male role is causing them. In which caseyou might want to consider trying on a full time female role. If it is the female role that i causing the dysfunction, then suppress the female role. Either way it won’t be easy.
Just remember one thing: If you physically transition, it is a one way street.
cdjanie
Thanks for your insight, Ashley. Obviously we are quite different, and there is no chance that I can see that I would ever consider transitioning, physically anyway.
I am interested in hearing about what you call your sense of self and what that means and how you knew that was female. I would love to be able to understand that.
Ashley
Consider this: You have access to a magic machine. It can transform you ONCE to the gender of your choice. You can’t go back and any sense of “transness” would be wiped from your mind. WHICH gender would you choose to be?
cdjanie
Y`know, Ashley, I really don`t know; I think there are great things about each and downsides too. And, I think the reason I don`t know is mainly because I like being both (or more accurately, being able to be either as I please) more than I would like being either one – even with the necessary limitations.
Ashley
There are good things to being male and manly. Unfortunately many men are jerks but then again there’s a lot of mean women.
The magic machine was a way of getting you to think if you have a preference. I think you do, but right now you don’t know. The main thing is not to panic and don’t go off purging and stuff. Just back off for a while and try living as a male. Then turn it around and try to live as often as you can as a girl, 24/7 if you can. That’s why there’s a “real life test” for surgery. Until you try to do it 24/7, you’ll never know which you like better. And personal preference IS a valid reason to transition.
cdjanie
Ashley,
I apologize for not having thanked you for that vehicle for thought – I did understand that it was meant that way, and it is an effective tool. And, I will test myself against it from time to time, but for now, I just couldn`t say one way or the other. In time… who knows?
Just to set your mind at ease, I have no intention of purging; it is not my style. Also, no intention of surgery. I have lived as a woman 24-7 for a few weeks at a time, and recently have been trying the guy thing. I`m not worried… I`ll get there… and by `there`I mean to a place where I understand myself.
deena17
Good luck with that.
Louise
Dear Janie,
I have been always a girl and a woman deep inside of me. I cannot remember a moment I wasn’t, being physically a man. It is not only the outside that changes when dressing, or with high heels making me more vulnerable. It is the inevitable. It is me. And I deeply regret that I could not cross the border definitely. But as I wrote it is inside, the soul, the spirit.
These days I was reading a novel and I did find this text, I translated for you. I do admire you in your search for your real identity. I am a daily follower of your blog, you are doing great sister! Do not be anxious, let Janie live! And know:
Women are much better than men…
Michel Houellebecq is a famous French writer in his in 1999 published novel ‘Les Particules élémentaires’ he writes as follows:
Women are absolutely better than men. They are more welcoming, friendlier, more compassionate and milder; less oriented to violence, less egoistic and selfish and not cruel. Also women are more reasonable, intelligent and industrious.
One can ask by himself for what purpose men do exist?
It is possible that manhood has played an irreplaceable role in earlier times when bears where common. But since a couple of centuries men became absolutely useless.
In order to dispel boredom they play a tennis game, which is of all male evils the lesser. Most times men are imaging they can be useful in changing the world, what in their brains is synonym for starting revolutions or wars.
Not considered the tremendous agony they cause, wars and revolutions do destroy all the best of the past; thus men do force society to restart each time to rebuild everything up from scratch, time and time again. This is the reason for the chaotic evolution of history.
For all this men (with their attachment for risky games, their irresponsibility, their grotesque vanity, their insane violence) are directly and completely responsible.
A world of women only would be in every aspect much better, more graduate in his evolution towards common happiness, without catastrophic iconoclasm and destruction.
In 2011 Houellebecq was awarded with the ‘Prix Goncourt’, equivalent of the Nobel Prize for french literature.
Waw…what a discovery, being a woman is being a woman with all qualities! Love.
Many thanks for your blog
Louise
cdjanie
Louise,
Thanks so much for your encouragement. I am so pleased that you enjoy my writings.
Thanks also for the article, which I enjoyed very much. I have never been one to put down the value of men, nor the enjoyment of being one, so I am not sure how much I can agree with what is said there, but it is well-written, entertaining, and possessed potentially of some truth. Food for thought.
Hugs,
Janie
Louise
Indeed Food for thought!
I certainly do not underestimate male qualities as such, but being able to be a woman inside of you, I consider it as a great gift, so enjoy it and be lovely and sweet, and beautiful like you,
hugs
Louise
Cyrsti
As usual Janie, another thought provoking post.
In my case I’m fairly certain my transgender status was learned more than born.
I lived in a heavily male dominated family and was raised in a rural area with very few females.
Being a “girl” allowed me to escape the heavy demands of being a boy and girls were a total mystery!
As I grew, I could “create” my own girl as I was very shy.
In my mind, girls had it all. They didn’t have to worry about being drafted. Girls didn’t have to chase a date…the dates came to them it seemed. The world was theirs’. Especially the pretty ones!
I started to explore the female world more and more I found I loved it. Positively loved it.
It did help I was fortunate enough to be able to present well and it was music to my soul. Halloween parties were the best! Several times I was told I looked better as a girl.
As the years went by I started to realize being female was so much more than looks and I went to explore that too!
Today,
Given the choice, I prefer living as a female. I do have that choice and the only stopping point of going full time is finances.
The bottom line is I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about where this road started…all that matters is where I am now….and I love it!
Cyrsti
cdjanie
Well, Cyrsti, I am glad that I got you to think about it a bit now, anyway. I am also glad that you love where you are – that is the main thing, of course.
Like you, I sometimes wonder and worry whether my girl-self is a way of avoiding certain responsibilities or things that were expected of me as a guy; not to judge you, but only myself, I am not sure that is altogether a healthy thing.
But clearly, for you and for me, there is much more to being a girl that just that. The question is which is the fringe benefit and which is the main motivation.
Getting to a place where I am happy, and not looking backward and wondering where this came from or whether I`ve climbed out on a dangerous ledge would be wonderful. Good for you that you are there already. I hope to join you soon. xo J
androgynbeauty
Hola! Well, for me, having a feminine look it’s more a result of my fashion views: I find feminine outfits much more interesting, permissive, colorful, varied, full-of-life, than any male outfit. I always been a very non-conformist person that hates barriers and embraced unusual things linked to visual arts, so for me dressing in a male attire is like a censorship. Unacceptable.
Another reason why I dress and look that way, is because I believe in females trays: non-violence, empathy, tenderness, delicacy etc. I can’t stand the “regular” male rudeness which I think it’s cultivated by the society, it’s not natural.
In conclusion, I love the feminine world and I think it’s time for the humanity to abandon the self-inflicted said-male bad habits and embraces the feminine type of inter-human relations. That’s the future, in a positive view. Thanks.
cdjanie
Yes, drawing outside the lines is fun, and part of the attraction for me too. But, as I told Louise, I am not all that sympathetic to the ideas of the male and the masculine as inferior or negative, and certainly not as unnecessary. However, I am glad for your comment, as it is helpful to share diverse points of view and consider different opinions; it`s what makes for a good discussion.
klyde
It sounds to me as if you need a break.
cdjanie
I thank you for your concern, Klyde, but it`s a bit cryptic. Can you elaborate?
shantown
Only you can answer your questions, Janie. I’ve heard before, concerning other issues, that just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do. Applicatin here, maybe????….
Just because one CAN present a very believable, even “passable” female image, doesn’t necessarily mean it is the right thing for them. I can’t say for you, but if it helps any, it is something that I consider about myself quite regularly. Then again, that consideration can get clouded by other outside issues….
What is the “right” thing for you…. for me….?? I wish I know….
Maybe that’s why somebody invented therapists.
shantown
Another thought here. While your question, “Am I trans?” is a valid one, what if that question were broadened in scope? Surely there are those out there in the medical and psychological fields, and in society itself, I guess, who would argue the question, “is anybody trans?. Is it a true medical condition, or just a condition that has been coined and recognized for a whole spectrum of people that have other issues, like those you discuss, and have chosen to handle those issues by developing an alternate gender identity?
When we ask. “am I trans”, how do we define the term ‘trans”?…. ya know?!?! For some, it would be anybody that attempts to present an alternate gender identity… for whatever reason. For others, it might be someone who KNOWS they are the wrong gender physically.
I’m not arguing either way here… just wondering and putting it out there. Obviously, I have a very real, important alternate gender identity myself. How would others define ME? Don’t know and don’t really care.
How would I define myself? Would that definition come from inside me or from somewhere else?…Could I “define” my “definition”????
Ahhhh, now those are good questions……
cdjanie
All I can say, Shannon, as far as the trans thing, is that the definition for me in the context of this post is as I have expressed it before: something I am (trans) vs something I do (not trans).
trish1700
As I have said before, I may have a rather biased opinion about all this because I have lived a rather happy “male life” as a son, husband especially as a father.
I have never really enjoyed being “one of the guys” because I dislike the testosterone fueled aggression that seems to drive most men. To me, most men thrive on turning everything into a contest to see who is, stronger, faster, better. Add to this the fact that I have a slim, smooth, little muscle body and sexy legs it is no wonder why I enjoy being a t-girl (love the makeup and clothes).
Is there an answer to your question? Why do people find different things enjoyable? Why do some men spend $$$ on bass boats and $$$ on trucks to pull them and then spend hours trying to catch a fish they are just going to throw away or have stuffed so they can put it on the wall. Spend hours hitting a little white ball, playing a game they know they will never win? Spend $$$$$$$ on a watch so they know what time it is? Get drunk watching naked women dance? I enjoy being Trish DuBois, What more can I say?
T.D.
cdjanie
So, there seems to be an emerging consensus that I should stop wondering why I love being a girl and just do it. And, coincidentally, or perhaps not, that being male is nothing to which to aspire.
We are what we are, no doubt. But, I have been relentlessly and maddeningly asking `Why?`about everything since I was 3 years old. Old habits die hard.
trish1700
Do you not mean “being girlish”?
Being “male” is fine if it works for the individual. If I had the body, skill and desire to be making $50,000,000 playing football things would be different.
cdjanie
Trish, to answer your question, I`m not quite sure. I think you and I have disagreed on this point before – as to whether I can be a girl in any real sense or not. I`m not really sure myself.
trish1700
maybe it is my hang up. I often say to myself “I make a great woman”, but that does not mean I want to change my physical body and be a woman. I guess I get frustrated because so many people (such as my wife) can not understand why I enjoy dressing and acting like Trish DuBois. They assume that I am unhappy as a male and wish I were a biological female, which is not the case. It all started with a picture in Playboy and has always been very clear to me.
cdjanie
I can certainly understand why you enjoy it.
Stacy
Considering Ashley’s machine for a moment – I’d jump right in and choose the female version of me. There is no separate ‘male’ me and ‘female’ me, and probably never was, so there’s no ‘escapism’ for me in regards to those times when I physically manifest the female exterior. It’s rare that I dress, anyway, and for me it’s as painful as it is peaceful when I do it. It reminds me what I am – and what I’m not – all at the same time.
The female exterior would just match my brain better. Not a perfect fit, but better.
That’s the trouble for me: I’m probably neither male nor female gendered – but somewhere in between. Whatever physiological difference there is on my brain isn’t absolute – it’s somewhere on a scale. Years of life experience pile on top of that, and now, it isn’t clear what’s biology, coping or training.
I suspect a majority of cis-gendered people are like that a little bit anyway – but for me it’s really weighted to one side, and it creates terrible conflict. Always has. I’d definitely choose a female body.
Now, I’ve never seen an advantage to either sex – to me, it isn’t better or easier to be either in any generic sense. I think if I saw a strategic advantage: like ‘women are just better or more nurturing than men’, it would give me great pause…
I value caring and nurturing as personality traits, and I have those traits. Any man or woman can have them. My gooey center is just in the wrong shell. I’m transsexual – I just haven’t figured out what to do about it yet.
cdjanie
Like you say, Ashley, it isn`t clear what`s biology or coping or training. That, in a nutshell, is what I was talking about in my post. Well said.
shantown
I love your last sentence, Stacy, and I bet a lot of girls feel the exact same way……I know I do. We know who we are….the problem is “what now?”
Great comment!
Shaun
Hi Janie….
After reading this post of yours and the various replies, I hope a comment and question from a male who considers himself straight/hetero (“You consider yourself Heterosexual, yet you profess an attraction for trans-women?” and I respond “Yes, I do and don’t make a distinction between a gg trying to be feminine and a tg doing the same.” – I figure it [femininity] simply comes [mentally and physically] easier for the xx woman and a little harder for the xy woman and base my interest/attraction on the WOMAN part….)
Now, the question…. instead of a magic machine to transform you (as mentioned earlier) what if you lived in an area similar in all respects to where you live now – neighborhood, city, county, state and nation all the same in all ways except one….. no one wears any clothes (except for weather) – one giant national nudist colony! Sounds kind of funny and stupid (I know! ;), but it’s always been in the back of my mind to ask this question for its one serious implication…. if no-one wears anything, how does a crossdresser express herself (or himself, for that matter….)? How would you go about being “trans” if it meant not relying on gender-specific clothing, not “dressing”?
Once you follow this question though all of its implications to its logical conclusion, and then examine your feelings I think you might have a better idea on the answer to “Am I trans?”.
(Just some 2-bit psycho-babble from a guy who likes and appreciates women…. ALL kinds of women 😉
Shaun
cdjanie
Shaun,
As this post is from some time ago, I hope you will forgive my not knowing where your comment fits in. That said, I do understand the male mentality that says, “I am attracted to femininity and the body parts don’t matter.” In fact, I count on it, since that is exactly the type of man I am looking for.
Your question is intriguing. Clearly, one cannot crossdress if no one is wearing any clothes. Of course, to put your question to its logical conclusion, you would also have to ignore hair and makeup and grooming. But, frankly, I think that is part of being feminine – the removal of body hair, the adorning of oneself with perfume and makeup, jewelery, nailpolish etc. To discount the visual cues these bring, as well as the feminine nature to focus on them is unrealistic.
Even without all that, there is grace of movement, manner of speech and characteristics of sexual desire that define a woman outwardly. Inwardly, there are all kinds of differences in the way I feel as a woman as compared to the way I feel as a man. I am more emotional, more attentive, more tentative, more sensitive, more sensuous to name a few.
Does that make me trans, or do I have a mutiple personality disorder?
(BTW, thanks Shaun for a good vehicle for insight into my own nature – far from 2-bit psychobabble – it is quite helpful.)