08
2012Day in Court
I had a date with the judge today on the small matter of a particularly vexing parking ticket.
I don’t normally fight these things – they are SUCH a waste of time! – but the sneaky guy actually gave me the ticket while I was in the car.
So, I got dressed in a sports jacket, black trousers and white shirt, tied my hair back in a neat low pony tail and went to court.
I presented myself to the prosecutor, who took a quick look at me, and said, “And, what’s the name, ma’am?”
I showed her the ticket with my male name on it.
Unfazed, she inquired, “Are you his representative?”
Wow, she was really quite sure of and comfortable with her perception of me as female. “Nope, that’s me.”
Of course, she apologized, and of course, it didn’t bother me a lick.
But, it does get me to wondering what has happened to my masculine presence.
I mean, all the visual cues were there for her to perceive me as a man. Jacket, shirt, male documentation. In fact, it is doubtful she could even have seen my pony tail from her perspective. I wasn’t wearing jewellery, or perfume, or any color but black and white. And every single other person in the room was a man. And yet, her natural instinct was to perceive me as a woman.
Maybe I was nervous being in court so I wasn’t assertive. I don’t know. But, I still have to wonder why friends, family and business associates would not perceive me in the same way she did.
They have all seen me with my hair down. Some have even seen me in shorts and I have no hair on my legs.
Perhaps I am fooling no one…
Stacey Collins
I love when you feel the need to tell a story. Non fiction this time, actually auto-biographical. I dont have the answers to your life or to mine but I do enjoy following your progress. The words just seem to flow and I see the images like I am standing there watching the scene unfold. Well, perhaps I am. Thank you for sharing with us all Janie.
cdjanie
Thank you, Stacey. And yes, I suspect you will share the very same experiences; we’re not so different, are we?
Stacey Collins
So did you beat the ticket? Have no idea how the big story ends but how about the little one.
cdjanie
No, but I got a reduction in the fine. Not really the point, right?
Ashley
There’s a lot more to another person’s perception of your gender than clothes or even body shape. It Does have a bearing, but mannerisms and deportment play a big part. You’ve said before that when you’re Janie, you try to present not only an image but a female persona complete with mannerisms and even speech. You have been spending a lot of time as Janie and it is now blending over to your male side.
In short you’re “leaking gender”. Which is why I think you should see a therapist about this to sort out your true feelings.
cdjanie
Ashley, I actually considered using the phrase “leaking gender” for this post. Of course, I recognize that the airtight seal between the two sides of me cannot hold forever, but neither did I suspect that an objective observer would take my male side as female without at least my hair being down, or my playing around a little bit. I was totally seriously male at the time.
Ashley
Perhaps not seriously enough. But that aside, it is very difficult to keep two personalities completely separate particulaly if one is your true core. And that’s whay I’ve been telling you to see a therapist. You are being Janie a lot and you enjoy it too much and do it too well for it to be just a “hobby”. This is NOT to say that you should or even want to transition, but a therapist will be able to guide you to your true self. And if transition is not for you, he/she will be able to help you compartmentalize Janie.
Shirley Corning
Your “leaking gender” and this is why you should go see a therapist to sort out your “true” feelings? Horse feathers! lmao She was simply perceptive enough to recognize your femme side. Last time I checked you had a femme side. Right? Then you can expect that a few people will be able to sense it sometimes subconciously even if your dressed like Abraham Lincoln or Donald Trump. I’ve had similar experiences and just found such perceptiveness in people fascinating.
cdjanie
Shirley, I agree that this is no reason for therapy, but I know where Ashley is coming from. But, as to being able to sense my femme side when I am male – no, I didn’t expect it, nor am I all that pleased about it. It is hard enough to disguise my masculinity when I am female; I didnt think I would have to go out of my way to disguise my femininity as a male; that was something I thought was naturally hidden. Go figure.
gswi
You were unconsciously in female mode, so clothes didn’t matter.
I’m pretty sure that if someone had taken a photo of you that day you would have looked perfectly femme.
cdjanie
Oh, were it only true that I could project female that well; fact is, even when fully made up, the masculine still shows through.
shantown
Okay, my two cents here. I’ve been real busy lately and haven’t been “keeping up”. Here we go……
I think that your comment… “the masculine still shows through”…..may well apply to all of us….for a very simple reason. We are all trying so hard to cover up anything masculine, so when we look at ourselves, that’s just what we look for. “Any masculine showing”? We don’t look for all of the femme traits, but stare and stare, looking for “giveaways”. Since that’s what we’re looking for, that’s what we see.. What’s the saying, if you look for something hard enough, you’ll find it.
So, be assured dear friend, that the rest of us, not so distracted or engrosed, see a very attractive, feminine lady……Well, okay, I do, at least.
Keep in mind, that others, who have no reason to be looking for such traits in the first place, may well look right over “imperfections” that jump out at you.