I was on a video-call with a friend of mine the other day – this friend does not know about my little secret… so obviously I was being a guy.  Thing was, I was shirtless and sitting there in front of the camera…

It was really strange, but I felt uncomfortable showing off my bare chest…

I kept fidgeting either to cover my breasts or position myself so that they were off the screen.

It’s starting to look like the wall between the two sides of me is developing leaks, and there’s no way to tell whether or how long it will take before the trickle turns into a flood and the wall comes tumbling down. Those of you who have been reading my posts will understand that I have always been about keeping my boy side separate from my girl side.  I love being able to be whichever I please whenever I please, but I’ve prided myself on keeping the two sides as separate and different  as possible….

Still, I always knew I was only one person…

I was never so deluded that I thought I was truly two separate people, so I knew there was some overlap.  But the true nature of the mixing that I want to avoid is becoming an effeminate man or a masculine woman.

One Self, Indivisible

It is starting to dawn on me that I may very well have to come to terms with my one true self… that I am both genders always, accenting one side or the other, but always both.

I have seen that in myself before, when I was surprised by my own acceptance of self in certain photographs I had taken that showed a discernible but somehow attractive masculinity within my feminine presentation.  I had always been bothered by any hint of masculinity I betrayed as a woman.  Still, I had seen this same kind of beauty in photographs of strangers, though accepting it from myself was another step.

I have started to appreciate the transgender aesthetic as its own unique and special beauty. 

I am opening my mind to the idea that maybe the most attractive tgirls may be not so much those that pass as women, but those who successfully meld both genders into a hauntingly hot, hintingly “him,” highly her, heavenly whole.