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2011First Day Back – Quiet Joy
I decided to make a trial run of my return to being Janie today.
I don’t know why I chose this particular moment; I had to rush like mad to get ready if I was to make my appointed rounds. And, after so long, I wasn’t sure whether I would remember everything – the makeup, the jewelry, the purse, the walking, the voice. But, I had decided, and when a girl makes up her mind, there’s no reasoning with her.
Or, maybe that’s just me.
Anyhow, after rushing around for a while, I finally had a moment to catch my breath and just take a walk along a downtown street in my pretty, flowing sundress and heels.
I guess, it’s like riding a bicycle. I hadn’t forgotten anything at all – except to put my lipstick in my purse. And there I was walking, hips swaying, shoulders tall and back, hair tousled… and one thing I always seem to notice and find sensuous – my sun-kissed bare feet, barely a quarter-inch from the pavement, in the flimsiest of strappy, high-heeled sandals.
And, as I took note of all this girliness, I smiled inside. I felt something… something I can only describe as “quiet joy!”
Being Janie is truly a gift.
Cyrsti
And that surprised who? lol
shantown
Welcome home, gf…..wlecome home…
shantown
Oops…. nice spelling there…….”welcome”….
BTW, we missed ya…..lol
lovelybiboy
I am delighted that you are happy being who you are. So many people are so unhappy fitting in to society’s prescriptions.
My opinion may not be worth all that much, but Janie, I want you to find your identity and happiness – separate from all the compartments society wants to put you in.
Much love,
Chris
cdjanie
Your opinion is worth plenty, Chris. And thanks for your generous thoughts. xo Janie
Edy
Hi Janie,
Like you I have come to see myself as someone bigendered, split fairly equally only the binary lines of male and female. In the last three years I have come to a deeper self acceptance of who I am and slowly finding my way to a life where I can incorporate and have a good life for all parts of me. I was not aware when I first began to understand what being transgendered for me was all about that it was deeper than the dressing and outward things. It is an evolving thing for me. My biggest challenge has been overcoming my fear of what others think and not to let that hold me back from doing the things that make me happy. I live in the South and even though I live in a fairly progressive area there still are reasons to be smart about where I go. On top of that is all the people that know and like me as a guy including my parents,siblings, and friends. I really have made an attempt to establish friends as Edy (I know third party reference but it just makes it easier to communicate) but that has been harder than I thought. I need deeper relationships than most guys require. It’s funny how as a guy I can feel content with having a few close friends and be okay with a lot of alone time but feel lonely alot as Edy. I have struggled in my self confidence trying to begin dating again. I don’t know if my sexuality just feels stronger right now on my female side or it just is easier. Nevertheless I have felt very hesistant approaching women. I have never been a good initiator.
cdjanie
Edy,
I think sometimes our female side needs the validation of others in order to silence our inner doubters about her legitimacy. As far as dating, especially if you are interested in women, of course it is going to be a daunting prospect to approach them; it is hard enough as a man, doubly so as a tgirl. My advice, for what it’s worth, would be to try for friendship rather than dating – at least at first. And, don’t let it get you down; this is quite a challenge and is not easy for any of us.
shantown
I love your first sentence here…..and couldn’t agree more. While I need and want to be able to relate to others as Shannon, I really desire for them to relate to ME as Shannon…….to see, to talk with, to accept….the female. I got to a point on “my journey” where simply dressing up and sitting around the house or taking pictures ( a popular T pasttime) was very depressing and unfulfilling. I felt that if I wasn’t relating to others, and them to me, the female me wasn’t truly living at all….
So, where is that therapist anyway??
Edy
That is the rub. I find my female side very drawn to men. I never notice them on my male side and consider myself a heterosexual guy and a heterosexual girl. I go out as Edy and had some intimate encounters with men but real life and fantasy has been lacking. I refuse to get involved with married men. I do not want to be anyones dirty little secret and most have been lacking in the category of how to treat a girl. I am quite picky as well. I am not emotionally attracted to men but would like to find someone that I could date and have a physical relationship with. I do not seem to have any lesbian inclinations as Edy. Like I said it feels very straight to me. The flip is that as my male self I am romantically, emotionally and physically drawn to women. My values and emotional needs seem to be the same as both a man and a woman. I would like to find a female life partner again one day but recognize that I need to express all of Edy to live a full life and be happy. I am hopeful to find such a person oneday.
cdjanie
Edy, you sound a lot like me; I don’t know how much of my blog you have read, but the feelings you express are pretty much the same ones I have. Here’s wishing us both good luck in navigating our particular emotional and sexual paths. xo
Ashley
When you said:
And, as I took note of all this girliness, I smiled inside. I felt something… something I can only describe as “quiet joy!”
Being Janie is truly a gift.”
It sure sounds like you prefer being Janie. I think you should see a counselor even if your NOT TS. At least you’ll know. I think you are but that is only my opinion.
Remember that girls can do anything that boys can do so doing “Male” things as Janie is entirely possible. And boys can do anything girls can do too.
Really, see a counselor.
cdjanie
Janie is a part of me that I love, no doubt. (Being a guy is a gift too, BTW.)
The part about boys and girls being able to do the same thing… I don’t know where you are going with that, but I’ll throw a blind arrow in there and say this: I don’t believe doing anything as a boy is the same as doing it as a girl and vice versa. And some things just don’t feel appropriate or interesting to one gender or the other. That’s my feeling anyway.