02
2011Frustration
Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!
This is the second time this has happened to me in the space of a week!
I don’t know if it’s because I am not getting enough sleep, or I am undergoing hormonal changes or what, but I have been a bit moody lately, and sometimes, it just boils over.
No, I don’t go into a tantrum or anything. It is just that in this frame of mind, if I get myself into a situation where there are a lot of competing stimuli and I am having trouble sorting through them all, I just can’t seem to hold onto my femininity.
I feel it slipping away as I get ever more frustrated trying to hold on while at the same time deal with what is going on around me.
And, for the second time in a short while, I have totally failed.
I cope with the situation, and then walk out so disappointed in myself for not having been able to manage things in the feminine way I wanted to…
…and I feel like a failure as a woman. Like maybe it just isn’t me…
>Sigh…<
Thay Singh
It might be a useful time for reflection on “who” owns “what” in your head. I have been on a long swing with the masculine ascendant – largely due to completely over-the-top stresses that poured in to my life last fall. Fortunately, I had already done some work with my counselor on understanding how the bits interact and knew that the “masculine me” basically had this job of keeping me safe from harm.
Of course it’s a bit more complicated than that, but i’m sure you get the idea. I’m just flowing with the changes, because I know they are no more permanently me than the color of my nail polish 🙂
cdjanie
I don`t know if I`d compare my emotional development to nail color; the latter can be changed on a whim, while the former is part of your emotional makeup, and even as it changes, it builds on itself, rather than being completely erased as is the polish.
I have long thought that the masculine in me is a sort of protector, but chauvinism aside, women have found their own ways of coping, and that`s the whole issue. The way my thinking goes, for me to rely on my masculine to protect me is to admit that the feminine is somehow deficient.
Ashley
I am not sure I would say you failed. I admit I do not know the circumstances but I do.know everyone male and female has off moment and days
I have mote than a few female friends that get frustrated and can become difficult if that is what you mean. The fact that you recognize you did not handle it i the way you wanted proves you did not fail but instead created a learning opportunity. If we were all perfect it would be a boring world. It is he imperfections and how we deal.wih hwm thats makes the world intetesting and often times fun.
cdjanie
I guess what I am saying in some sense is that this may be evidence that I don`t trust my inner woman to deal with these things. I am starting to understand why women cry, but for the moment, rather than do that, I just subconsciously turn `him`on to come to the rescue. And yes, I do believe that crying is a coping mechanism – one of many that women have in their arsenal.
Cyrsti
I would think you would have to determine what “dealing with matters in a feminine way” really means.
We all deal with gender stereotypes and how they affect us. I’ve seen so many women deal with anger issues so many different ways over the years I’m not sure there is a right way. I know I have developed the “passive” aggressive approach. Don’t know it’s right but it is more female…supposedly.
There is only your way Janie. That way doesn’t make you a failure as a woman. It only makes us a failure as a human if we don’t try to grow from mistakes.
cdjanie
Thanks, Cyrsti. I may indeed have some presumptions about what is feminine or masculine that need addressing. But for now, I just feel like I allowed `her`to evaporate for a time. I have said many times how different I feel as Janie as compared to as a guy, and these kind of episodes shake that barrier and leave me feeling disoriented and displeased with myself. To think that I have made a mistake`is to understand that some of Janie does not come naturally, and if I start going down that road, I fear I may discover that the whole of my femininity is artificial.
AshleyP
Since you’re a T-grrl, you have a distinct advantage (or disadvantage, depending n how you look at it). Your experiences as a male have developed your personality in ways that not all females have. So when you get stressed, sometimes your experiences tell you to react in a way that is more masculine than feminine. It does NOT mean that you have lost your femininity. Not at all. It just means that you have sunconciously decided that your reaction should be from your masculine side of your personality. Some women develop masculine sides similarly. But they are less common and nonstereotypical.
cdjanie
Thanks for the reassurance. Perhaps you are right.
Shirley Corning
Well Janie,
As a Two-Spirit and bigender I think your trying to hold yourself to an unrealistic standard you’ve imagined. Step back and take a better look at yourself. It is absurd to think you can be anything more or less than yourself. You are a unique identity both physically and mentally as all people are with all your knowledge, memories, experience, wisdom, personality and characteristics. With brain surgery perhaps the right tissue regarding your masculine side could be removed leaving only Janie the feminine but then it would no longer be you, just what’s left of you. You cannot fail to be yourself which includes the masculine, the feminine and everything else. So enjoy your feminine experience. It’s real and grow in it but don’t think for a moment your going to forget or exclude the masculine part of your life. When I’m out as Shirley I’m just another woman, totally girly, enjoying and experiencing every aspect of that but just let someone give me any static about it or especially threaten me with any physical harm and Gordon will rush to front ready for rebuttal and to be a deadly antagonist if necessary. I’m not the least bit apologetic or inhibited about showing my masculine side if needed. So get over it. That’s nonsense girl. Get on with yourself and make the best of it. I do now and everyone should.
Your loving friend,
Shirley
cdjanie
Thanks, Shirley. Wise words that I take to heart. I’m thinking that this is not so much an issue of denying who and what I am as it is a question of self-control. In the same way a person has to refrain from punching someone who makes them mad, I keep hoping I will be able to rely on my quiet feminine side to resolve certain situations without resort to aggression or masculinity.
Shirley Corning
Your always welcome Janie and I’m happy if I can offer even one word of value somewhere in my sometimes lengthy writiings. Oh yes I agree on self-control. Got to have it, refine it and try to perfect it. It’s a very rare day but occasionally I lose my cool, get hopping mad and start yelling always ending up apologizing afterwards and regretting it. So sometimes I fail to maintain the level of restraint and poise I like to but an occasional failure doesn’t make me a failure in any way, just human and something less than perfect. It is hard to be humble when you get better looking each day anyway but I do try. I have no doubt your continued efforts will be rewarded and you’ll get better at it. I have over the years. I do love a good quote and here’s one of my own, “If you aren’t making any mistakes the mistake your making is not doing anything.”
Got to take my fluffy self and mosey off. It’s always a pleasure chatting with you Janie. I’ve learned some good things from you and I appreciate it. So thanks to you too Janie. Rock on girl. Tear it up.
Shirley xox
cdjanie
Brilliant, Shirley! xoxo
Shirley Corning
Wow! Thank you Janie. I take that as a great compliment coming from you. xox