17
2012Go Ahead, Dear
I’ve been Ma’am-ed before on several occasions while in male mode, but this is a whole new thing.
When someone refers to you as “Ma’am,” they see you as a blank stranger – another person in line, a customer, someone in their way… whatever.
But, today, I was getting on the plane, and a fairly good-looking man in his 40s or 50s stepped out of the aisle to let me pass, looking straight into my eyes with a smile and softly saying, “Go ahead, dear.”
Certainly not an affirmation of my masculinity, that’s for sure!
I am equal parts puzzled, concerned and pleased.
Puzzled because the only difference I see between my male self today and in years past when this never happened is the length of my hair (and it was tied back in a pony tail, BTW).
Concerned because evidence is mounting that I may be losing my grip on my masculine self.
And pleased… well, that’s because it’s an affirmation of the fact that my feminine self is real and perceptible to others.
For me, the goal has always been to be one or the other. It has usually been a struggle to conceal the male part when being Janie. But, now, the challenge for me seems to lie on both sides of the gender divide.
Ashley
Where did this flood come from?
It’s just Janie’s Gender leaking all over the place!
Brenda
Hmmmm that could be a very good thing if your looking to be yourself all the time but not if you must have two identities in order to make a living. I can see that after a period of time one becomes more in tune with your inner self that the masculinity starts to rub off in your stance, your behaviour and actual appearance. Having a ponytail is somewhat feminine but is very masculine with a beard or stubble, tattoos and a jean jacket. Hwvr i see it becomes feminine if the look is more posed or polished and the clothing starts to suggest femininity and the walk is more feminine. So i can see how you can struggle with the presentation of your identity in a dual world where your inner gurl is so strong. I know when i dress up for those few hours as to what i am expressing as a female that ( actually i am expressing maybe the idea of a woman that i wish i had) when i take it all off i am back to being a man. No blurriness there. I think one needs to look back and see the change based on the amount of time being the feminine side of your personality. I think i understand how you now feel when you feel feminine then look in the mirror and see a male.