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2012Green Acres is the Place to Be
Imagine a couple living in Manhattan, with a subscription to the opera, an enjoyment of the restaurants and nightlife and shopping, and the buzz of the city… when the husband, 20 years into this lifestyle, taps his wife on the shoulder and says he has decided to become a farmer and they need to move to the countryside.
“No, New York is where I’d rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay. I just adore a penthouse view; darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue.”
How many women would go along? How many would trade in “the stores” and “Times Square” for “chores” and “fresh air?”
She would have to deal with changing her lifestyle, finding new friends and losing many old ones; in many respects she would feel like the rug was being pulled out from under her and her expectations of how they were going to live their lives. And, of course, the question of, “How long have you been thinking about this without telling me?” would come up, along with a sense of betrayal. If the man is unwilling to compromise his choice, there is every chance that marriage will fall apart.
The relationship issues brought about by this change of heart by the husband are, in my view, very similar to – and quite probably much less challenging than – what happens when a man tells his wife he needs to live as a woman.
And, just because we may feel it is something about which we have no choice doesn’t make it much, if at all, different for her.
She still has to cope with a change in her lifestyle that she never bargained for. She still has to deal with the reality of laying waste to her social life. And she has to deal with knowing that her spouse kept this information from her for many years, regardless of any justification.
On top of that, sexuality and sexual attraction are fickle things. Asking “Why ‘just because I changed my gender’ are you no longer sexually interested in me?” is a hugely unfair question, even when qualified by the fact that “I am still the same person inside.”
It is only a lucky few whose mates will say,
“[I am your] wife, Goodbye, city-life… Green Acres we are there!”
Andie Davidson
It’s not a bad analogy Janie. My mother-in-law wanted a country life, but did the “correct” wife thing of the time, and instead lived in London (the husband’s job). She effectively lost the life she could have had, and wanted. And she may have had a much better partner too. I don’t know how much she felt that loss, but her happiness (or not) was all about commitment to a choice. And we all have conflicting choices where we face two things that would make us happy or fulfilled, but cannot do both. Life really is about giving up some dreams and aspirations. You CAN come to love the city, and remain merely nostalgic as a holiday visitor to the country. You don’t HAVE to; so it’s a matter of what you feel you can or cannot live with or without, and where you see commitment to a partnership ends.
It is the ultimate paradox, that we are the same inside, that everything we did “as a man” came from the same heart, mind or soul, which we feel has always been feminine. But the wrapping does matter, and we would never have been accepted as a same sex lover, even though we were accepted with the same (undeclared) gender. I think perhaps it is more correct to say that we have one gender but change sex, and that sex matters to a partner a lot more than gender. However good my same-gender marriage has been, it cannot be a same-sex one. Green Acres wins.
The interesting corollary to this is whether “transgender” is a correct term, since gender is inner, and is the part that doesn’t change. Words that describe a female man or a male woman would be more useful. Transsexual remains useful, because it represents a change of sex to match gender, and remains useful until the two match, when it becomes “transsexual history”.
shantown
Great analogy, Janie…..but I have to wonder where this comes from. Personal experience….or just observation. I wonder about this same situation with myself and my wife all the time. She has not left….yet…even though I’ve “pushed the envelope” pretty far in a lot of ways. So I’m one of the lucky ones???? Well, I dunno. I may have “pushed”, but never fully opened that envelope. So now we’re sorta stuck in the middle. We may have moved out of the city, but we seem to have stopped in the burbs, far from the country. 🙂
Of course, the answer to your attraction issue is easy, IMHO. The outer wrapping, which has now changed, was the initial attraction in the first place. If the ” wrapping
shantown
Stupid smart phone!!! ARGH!
As I was saying…if the wrapping (gender) had been different to begin with, it’s likely the attraction never would have taken place. They never would have gotten to know “the same person on the inside). So the knowledge of, attraction to, and belief in the inside starts with the outer wrapping. If and when that changes so drastically, it’s very easy for everything else to falter, or even die.
Ashley
No, you cannot expect a partner to stay if you change gender presentations or sex. But you can expect your partner to respect your decision. For most partners, the speed of the changes is what usually makes it unbearable. They don’t have time to savor the remaining days with the gender they were attracted to and the new gender comes on too quickly for them to fall in love with.
MIkki
I don’t know about this argument, seems like apples and oranges.
When the husband, who now is going to be a woman, says “I’m the same person inside I’ve always been”, he’s also telling his wife their relationship has been fraudulent for all those years. He’s been this “woman inside” who never shared this with his life partner.
The best he can expect from his wife, as Ashley pointed out is a respectful acceptance. Here’s hoping he gets enough out of the divorce settlement to find a place to live.
gwen
as usual, a great post, Janie. The analogy works for me, that’s very much what my wife and I have been going through since I came out to her. I don’t have expectations of her; I simply hope that she can still find it in her to accept me as she now knows me to be, to love me as I love her-and that she will want to stay together. But I can’t expect that of her. There are too many variables. It’s true, the hardest part to get past is the “lie”-even after she may have come to terms with the “trans” nature of her spouse, she may never get past the anger.
“Attraction”-after a certain number of years-has a different basis, at least for many long, long-term couples I know. After seeing one’s partner at their best and worst, good times and bad; attraction has less and less to do with the physical being-and much, much more to do with character, and the inner self. Because the physical falls away. Cliche, I know-but true.
Still, that doesn’t necessarily mean a heterosexual woman would want( or be willing) to give up the yin and yang of gender differences in a relationship; the roles we play, the way the pieces fit in the puzzle is sometimes based in how we fill those expectations for each other.
oh, this is complicated! I can’t guess at how this will play out; we’ll have to live it and see.
cdjanie
Gwen, you have put things out there very clearly and smartly. Wise words, much appreciated.