03
2011Just Be
I have run a few posts questioning my sanity and wondering whether I should be doing this tgirl thing.
In response, a friend (possibly tiring of my incessant whining 😉 ) wrote in and advised me to stop overthinking my existence and just enjoy being who I am – “one pretty, feminine girl,” in her words.
My first thought in answer to her comment was, “I wish I were as sure as you are.”
But, a more interesting thought followed on its heels, as I wrote my response to her comment.
I said then, “Believe me, if the world around me laid down a path to happiness lined with pink flowers and lace, I’d not think twice about it.”
As the words escaped my keyboard, their truth rang out.
It seems that what is not among the many uncertainties with which I am grappling, is any doubt that I would be perfectly happy to live as a woman.
Wow! That realization was a surprise… and an important one.
I am now starting to see more clearly the problems that have given me pause. Mainly, that they are externally generated. The decision about whether being a trans woman is something I should pursue is not so much a question of my own desires as the consequences that such a decision brings.
If society were ok – really ok – with it, I would be happy to live as a female – and even happier to live as someone who could change back and forth from girl to boy (which is kinda where I’m at right now).
The love of being a gender traveler is compromised, however, by the very real consequences that attach to such behavior; friends would be lost – or at least friendships strained; employment or business success become a daunting challenge; family relations with me and with their own friends would be tested; and so on.
I am luckier than most in that my girlfriend is already on board, and that I feel like I have a choice. But the question remains, “Is it worth it?”
That sounds like a much more manageable question. 😀
AshleyP
Jamie: Give a look at this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_rights_in_Canada
and see what rights you have. It looks like trans rights are covered at least somewhat. Not this is not to say that there won’t be a price to pay, but it might not be as dear as living in the closet.
Cyrsti
Hey Janie, since your pictures scream female…I think you would be miserable as a full time guy.
Then again we haven’t sat down over a couple adult beverages and really got into it lol!
you just look so happy as a woman…I just think you will make it worth it.
cdjanie
I hope we get a chance for that drink, Cyrsti. Maybe we’ll find out a lot about each other – and about ourselves.
shantown
Tough question, girl. I like Cyrsti’s point…. “your pictures scream female”!
Can I get an ‘Amen” from the congregation?
Maybe it’s unfair for us to give opinions, since we, or “I” at least, haven’t ever seen you in boy mode…..something I have a very hard time visualizing.
Your paragraph on “being a gender traveler” contains the same issues we all face….and we all must make that call ourselves. Oh so many of us decide to let the world around us tell us who and what we will be. I feel that those (me?) end up going thru life very unhappy and disappointed deep inside, constantly putting on faces for those we are trying to please. They have to avoid quiet times to themselves, because at those times the inner person, the mind and heart, scream loudly and battle with the outward facade. Each of us has to decide if we can, or want to face and handle that battle, or face the battle of being true to ourselves, regardless of what society wants or tells us.
I’m with ya there, girl…sorta know what you’re going thru….been there, done that…. doing that. Just wish I had your looks to help thru it.
You’re all natural girl on the outside…(well, you know what I mean)…
Only you know what’s inside…..
Hugs to ya!
cdjanie
Thanks, Shannon. In a sense, I think you are more girl than I am – I don’t have those battles inner vs. outer. I love my girl self, but my guy self ain’t half bad either. I could live as either, but prefer to live as both. I think to express myself fully, I need both; choosing either is incomplete for me – in either case, part of me would be suppressed. And, I cannot mix the two parts of me together – that would make me really unhappy – neither properly male nor female, when I crave being both, though at different times. I hope that makes sense.
Miz Know-It-All
Okie Dokie! I’ll wander in where angels fear to tread!
The above advice handed you is dead wrong and nothing more than utter foolishness based on wishful thinking!
Unless you HAVE to change your sex, unless you simply cannot live another minute as male and it is change y our sex or kiss a gun… then by no means should youEVER consider changing your sex other than a purely academic exercise! This is a one way trip and there are no do overs! It’s not fluffy pink clouds and party dresses! Once you cross that bridge it is the pure and VERY unglamorous nitty gritty of getting up every day as a woman and facing the world as a second class citizen and if you are not a woman to your very core, then you have just opened a whole can of misery you can never undo!
AshleyP
I agree with you that it is a one-way-trip so the person considering transition be very sure. However, I take exception to the statement that “[you’ll be] getting up every day as a woman and facing the world as a second class citizen “. Women are not “second class” in our culture. Not now. We may not have achieved equal numbers of CEOs and Presidents, but it’s coming. So we are NOT second class!
Thay Singh
I’ve been having a hard look at the issue, and I must (respectfully) disagree with you. Women are still very much second-class citizens in a way that men really have a very hard time understanding emotionally. For a brutally harsh, blackly humorous, and bitterly cynical view have a look at http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com. Yes, she’s OTT, but her primary assertion is that “woman” is defined by being a member of the sex (as in sexual object) class has a *lot* of truth behind it.
Miz Know-It-All
Thay has it right… Like it or not, women are second class citizens in this world and that has to be one of the hardest things for the TG to understand. When you leave the male role for good, When the bridges are all burnt, you ARE going to run face first into the reality of a life without male privilege and it will be a shocker… It’s the primary reason so many opt for the TG lifestyle of out and proud.. Far better to be seen as a man in a dress with your male privilege intact than to be…shudder, a woman!
shantown
Wow, Miz, some pretty harsh words there maybe. I’m not sure why others have to be “dead wrong” , offering “utter foolishness” for you to make your points. Personally, I’d try to get to know someone and their views better before making such blanket statements.
I don’t disagree with your views, but I think they naturally follow and back up what I was saying, not disprove them. Your description of the “second class citizen” is probably the main thing included in what I was talking about. The world in deed can tell women they are second class citizens, therefore the world can tell a tgirl that she would be so included if she does transition. That can, and does, affect, the decisions girls can make for their lives. For some, it can cause a HUGE battle between the inner and outer person. Inside, that person KNOWS they HAVE to transition, but the outside ramifications, as Janie first said, seem so great to them that they can’t face that. So the person is stuck between two places they just cannot stand, or accept for themselves. Ever hear of a trans girl committing suicide?? Gee, I wonder why!!
Others may be able to handle that world view okay, and transition anyway, being true to the inner self that HAS to exist.
The different branches of this tree can go on and on, with different people handling their positions in many different ways……but to say one branch is “dead wrong” and “utter foolishness” just because you happen to sit on a different branch is itself….. well……dead wrong and utter foolishness!
klyde
Being an outsider I may not be in a position to talk but here is my take. No one takes up Xdressing as a hobby, they do because it fills a real inner need. I believe going back to guy mode full time would leave you with a true sense of lose.
Many have traveled this road ahead of you perhaps looking to their experiences could help you navigate some of these rough patches. If you haven’t already you might try Peggy Rudd and Alice/Richard Novic as resources.
Peace,
Klyde
cdjanie
Thanks, Klyde. It may be that I have to find out for myself, or then again, I may just muddle though. I have and will continue to benefit from reading about any experiences of others that can before me, just as I hope others benefit from mine. Thanks.
Cassie
Personally, I don’t think I can separate the two. And you’ve said some pretty meaningful things to me Janie. You are who you are.
Hey… Isn’t “Just Be” a Carrie Underwood song?
cdjanie
I think it is “Just a Dream” – maybe more appropos.
cdjanie
I hadn’t intended on entering this fray, but now that you’ve put words in my mouth, I have no choice.
I cannot agree that women are second-class citizens. I think that to say such a thing in reference to Canada or the U.S. among others is to close one’s eyes to the changes that have occurred over the past 50 years and repeat the same tired complaints that have long since been addressed. There are still remnants of patriarchy that have yet to be cleared out, but it is received wisdom in our culture that women are equal to men, and so those relics are doomed to expire.
There will always be people who don’t buy in and maintain their own discriminatory attitudes, and it will always be true that women have to deal with the realities of nature that they are more physically vulnerable and that their sexuality can trigger unwelcome behavior from certain men.
But there are glorious compensations to being female. And young women have the same opportunities today as men, with preferential treatment from the law in terms of civil rights, family law and even more lenient criminal sentences, and many have the ability to use their empowered femininity as a potent weapon against male competition.
Second-class? Hardly.
If you’re curious about the subtle messages being broadcast into the minds of television viewers about the sexes these days, take a careful look at the commercials you see and note that in almost every case, men are portrayed as bumbling, lazy dolts, while women are the voice of maturity, reason and authority.
That said, trans-women are a whole different kettle of fish. And, I do agree that no one should transition who doesn’t feel they absolutely positively can’t live without doing so. And, by transition, I mean surgery. I have never considered such a thing. For me to live as a girl just means being Janie all the time, the same Janie I am today, just more often. There is a road back.
shantown
Uh oh. I have a feeling your first sentence refers to me. Guess I’d better clear that up. If I can….. yikes!!
Here’s the part I was referring to when I wrote “as Janie first said”..
“…If society were ok – really ok – with it, I would be happy to live as a girl – and even happier to live as someone who could change back and forth from girl to boy (which is kinda where I’m at right now).
The love of being a gender traveler is compromised, however, by the very real consequences that attach to such behavior; friends would be lost – or at least friendships strained; employment or business success become a daunting challenge; family relations with me and with their own friends would be tested; and so on.”
You said “very real consequences”. I said “outside ramifications”. Sorry if I ran the wrong way with your words. Didn’t mean to….
cdjanie
Shannon, it’s no biggie… but the ramifications I was talking about concerned being trans, not being a woman. You seemed to me to be using my words to support the idea that women are second-class citizens, which is opposite to my view. Perhaps II misunderstood you…
shantown
Good…whew!! Actually, we’re on the same side of this point. I agree with you totally, and my comments, like yours, concerned only trans girls. Women, either G orT, are NOT second class, but there are those out there who will treat them that way, and it’s sad that some girls (myself, maybe) will deny themselves and struggle forward, or just give up, because they can not face that treatment or the rejection of family, friends, society in general.
I’d love to chat about this sometime…….