As I contemplate my  life – and it all seems so complicated – it occurs to me how simple life is in what I call Disneyland. Maybe, I’m thinking of Mayberry. Or is it Pleasantville?

Anyhow, whichever it is, a boy grows up there all wholesome and unconflicted, finds a local beauty to marry and live with happily ever after, has a satisfying job and 3 kids that came to be in the purest of ways. Everybody is happy. Days are spent in productive efforts and politically correct conversation, and the community thrives. In time, they will grow old and wise, and be surrounded with generations of family and friends, until they slip peacefully into the great beyond, with a contented smile on their faces.

Of course, this is fantasy, but the question is, “By how much?”

I sometimes see certain people on the street that look to me to have come straight out of such a scenario. No doubt, I am projecting, but when I see a young, rosy-cheeked woman in a modest but pretty dress, with a wedding ring on her finger and a necklace with a cross, smiling as she gracefully makes her way to her destination, I wonder…

So, Why Not Me?

Why do I make things so hard on myself? Why do I try to explore all the options, to color outside the lines, to reinvent the wheel? Maybe blissful ignorance and faith in the tried and true is the real path to lasting happiness?

That is, after all, a major drawing card of devoted religion. There is belonging and community and purpose, and guidance.

By contrast, here I am at middle age – variously, a guy with inappropriately long hair, a woman with the wrong sex-parts, a man with no children, a person of uncertain sexual orientation and appetites, belonging nowhere…

Now, that doesn’t sound good at all, does it?

And, the thing of it is that for all intents and purposes, I believe that I choose to be this way: part-time girl, part-time boy. I am not victim of gender dysphoria, and I do not have to do this.

Rather, I am simply being open to all the sexual and gender possibilities because I want to experience as much as possible and see what I like. It is about passion and interest and variety and possibilities – and, to be clear, this attitude goes well beyond the sexual…

One Life to Live

The thing about possibilities, though, is that they are the opposite of commitment.

I certainly do not regret insisting on exploring the myriad of possibilities that might enhance and color my life, rather than accepting, without challenge, so-called black & white rules of life.

But, I think my problem is a failure, or inability, to commit to those possibilities. And that is what has left me adrift…