Jun
20
2012Not a Man
For me, the biggest doubts about being a woman concern the betrayal that it may be of the guy that I always understood myself to be, who I thought I was, who I thought I was going to be.
I use the word “guy” because I am not sure that I ever entirely got to the point of considering myself a “man.” There were and maybe still are issues of maturity and other things that are mixed into that psychological mess, but I never acquired, in my own eyes, the gravitas that being a man – as I understand the term – involves.
And, more than likely, being female as I am now is either a cause of or a result of that same thought process.
Or, maybe both.
Andie Davidson
Interesting! It’s a conversation I shall always have with myself. I know what I am not. I am not a man. Was I one? Not the way I felt. It was given to me with its privileges, but I rarely claimed them. I “did” it, but I was not it. So how much of you never grows up because of that? I am coming together for the first time in my life, not having to be what I am not. And the connection? A betrayal? I have a continuous tapestry (blog-swap: bit.ly/N3ezcK), and it’s all part of my story, but I am here now. It’s still me.
Shirley Corning
Don’t worry. Be happy. lol Okay. I know that’s over simplistic but where is that train of thought supposed to take you? It sounds like a problem with no solution. So you’ve deprived yourself or missed the boat on what really? Is it a what if scenario? Psychological mess seems an applicable term. I’m getting mixed up just thinking about it. Good luck with that one.
cdjanie
To some extent, don’t worry, be happy is exactly the right answer, Shirley. I am often guilty of too much introspection, but then again where would this blog be without that?
Shirley Corning
Oh that’s right Janie. You’d have nothing left to talk about. lol
Do carry on.
shantown
Your last sentence hits the nail dead center, IMHO. I’ve wondered the same thing about myself for a long time, so I be speaking from ‘sperience here. It finally hit me that it’s not necessarily an either/or, black/white issue. It can be both at the same time.
Because of the female you are, and always have been inside, that other part/identity never really develops, as you said. With that, that female inside naturally begins to come out and develop.
So your answer is C.–both. Next question! lol
cdjanie
Makes a lot of sense, Shan.
shantown
For some reason, I just had a flashback to crazy ole Jim on the old Taxi tv series. During a discussion in the taxi garage one day he amazed those around with a long , very detailed answer to a problem. The others were amazed that he would know all of that…to which he replied…. “You mean I was right?!?!” Gotta love ole Jim…
Ashley
If you were “not a man” that doesn’t “make you a woman” or necessarily lead you to THINK you’re a woman. You weren’t a “man” because it didn’t fit. Yeah, you went through the motions and you were successful. But your heart wasn’t in it and it bacame a daily chore.
Now you’re wondering “If I’m not a man, then does it make me a woman” The answer is not necessarily. You can become a man, You can split your time, You can transition. It is entirely up to you.
cdjanie
No, Ashley, I am not asking if not being a man makes me a woman – that’s the next question, the one concerning what do I do about it. For now, I am asking if being a woman is what got in the way of my not becoming a fully matured man, or whether not being a man has led me to my current state.
just another tranny
“Psychological mess seems an applicable term.”
Andie Davidson
It is not a psychological mess, it is just about understanding that we are all a blend of male and female. They are not exclusive and the problems only arise when we have to believe they are. Sometimes your female side makes you rebel against expectations leading from male behaviours, or vice versa, because we always trying to find a fit with a binary idea that is too simplistic. When the gender blend is fairly even, you can find peace just by accepting you do not have to fit into just one of the other. If one is stronger than the other, and it runs against the physiological appearance, we struggle even more to fit the conditioned model. That is confusing and gives rise to dysphoria and the need to accept where your real leading gender lies. That may mean living quite differently, and resolving the physical manifestation of self in order to avoid the constant sense of conflict.
shantown
Wow, Anxiety…..are you taking any new patients? Me,me…pleeeze!
shantown
Stupid “smart phone”. I type “Andie”, and it uploads “Anxiety”. Maybe there’s some deep, hidden meaning there …hmm
Andie Davidson
LOL! I know I spell anxiety for some people! (And I have lots of patience) 🙂
just another tranny
wow, a trans-shrink! talk about the inmates running the asylum
Andie Davidson
“just another tranny” does troll about a bit. Think it’s an anagram for “Natures Tart Johnny”? or “Johnny Utters a Rant”? Funny if their name really is John!