23
2013Pro-Choice
In all my recent writing about contemplating an adjustment to the way I express my femininity, there is one huge presumption: that I have a choice.
This is not a popular concept within the transgender (or even gay) community, and I am not going to undertake the futile task of even suggesting that my feelings apply to anyone but me. Suffice it to say that there are those who believe that it is a stronger statement to say “I choose to be” than it is to say “I can’t help it,” though the latter has always been a better political argument.
Controversial as that may seem, I repeat that I am NOT interested in taking on that political discussion. For me, it is a choice. It has always been a choice.
I mean, I don’t have a choice as to my psychological makeup, or as to whether I might enjoy living as a woman, but I have a choice as to whether to do so or not.
I love being Janie. It brings good things into my life, and it is something that makes me feel good about myself, at least most of the time. I feel well-suited emotionally, mentally and physically to being Janie, and my social circumstances permit it.
If it weren’t thus, and Janie brought destruction, ridicule, loneliness and misery to my life, I would simply not do it. But, none of this is true. It’s all good.
That should be enough.
Suzi Jet
Dear Janie,
Well said. It is a choice for you at this time and it brings enjoyment without negatively affecting anyone else.
That was my position but in my case if I don’t get to be Suzi occasionally, something is missing. Does that make Suzi a “Choice” or a “Need?” I wonder if you were required to put Janie away how long it would be before her needs started to show up in ways that you might not expect or find comfortable. I’ve heard the same story from a lot of us that when their female sides were pushed out of sight she pushed back. Nothing is worse than a “T” girl scorned for she will become a real bitch until she is once again free. The free girl is pleasant and relaxed while the closeted one is anything but.
Into a not so scientific experiment? Why don’t you put Janie away and see how long it takes for the choice to become a need?
Love,
Suzi
Janie
I felt an entire post was needed to address your important comment: Transgender: Choice or Need?
Andie
You are right Janie: the concept of choice does get political and people are judged by their sense of imperative. On another level though, it is semantic. What is choice? Freewill? Freedom to choose wrongly and unwisely is always there as much as to do the opposite. But there are no rights and wrongs in self-expression, only how authentic we feel when we follow a particular path. If you feel wholly authentic in both genders, you have chosen well. I found things changed for me, from the time I chose to live a dual life to the time I knew I just wasn’t authentic in the one assigned to me. I just knew after a while where my authenticity lies, without question. I guess if I made a choice at all it was to simply give up being dragged away from that. I never chose to be trans*, and I never chose to know what was most authentic or essential for me. By the time I realised I wasn’t going to be whole with some male gender expression remaining, it was no choice. I didn’t need a choice. It was just being natural and normalised, it was no more a decision than a “shall I go to work today?” decision. You may find this, you may not. Don’t worry about choices, just be who you are as you feel most true.
Janie
A beautiful sentiment, Andie. I wish I could see myself as clearly as you see yourself.
I suspect that as long as I hang on to both genders, things will never get clear for me. There is always a tug-of-war in my heart and soul over which identity reigns at any moment, and it is unavoidable for the expression of one to detract from the other. On the upside, I suppose I have the advantage that either one could feel authentic by itself, if practically expedient. However, even as to the question of practicality, there is no clear winner in my case.
I have a special admiration for those who truly live their individuality and truth even, and possibly especially, where it is eccentric, or quite outside what is considered a “normal” existence. I won’t say “anything goes” – as I do have limitations on my tolerance and still stricter boundaries on my admiration – but the self-confidence and charisma that often accompanies such people strikes me as attractive.