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2011Stretching My Limits
I am currently in the midst of an experiment, taking some time off from being Janie, and seeing how it feels to just be a guy for a bit.
At first, it seemed a hopeless undertaking. I’d catch myself rubbing my smooth thighs together without even realizing I was doing it, or find myself perched on a chair in a ladylike manner. I began to feel that Janie might always bleed through and the experiment would be doomed.
But, a little time has cured that problem – for the most part. I have remained in male mode for the better part of a week now, and I haven’t really missed being a girl too much, at least not yet – although I must confess that I haven’t had a single sexual thought in a while.
Then again, I have just been living the life mundane. I have been busy with work and a few social obligations that would have required the male of me in any event.
The rest of the time, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching about my dual existence – and some good has come of that, which I will share in later posts.
Today, my regular exercise program called for yoga. I may have revealed this before, but I’ll mention it regardless; my guy-side doesn’t do yoga. Or, maybe it is that yoga doesn’t do my guy-side. What I’m saying is that yoga makes me feel like a girl. The moves are graceful, and the whole spirit of the practice is so feminine to me that I never would have taken it up if not for Janie.
I could have skipped it and tried to find another way to maintain my flexibility, more in keeping with my masculinity, but I didn’t just want to do a stretching session.
And, I keep thinking how stupid I am for confining this activity to my female side.
This may be the canary in the coal mine, so to speak. I mean, I have made a point (here, for example) of saying how I don’t like the idea of mixing my feminine and masculine sides, and that the feminine things I do, I insist on doing as a girl.
This is serious business when it comes to sexuality, but it applies for me to many non-sexual activities as well. But isn’t yoga carrying things a bit too far?
Maybe it shows how rigid my thinking is and that I should expand my definition of masculinity.
Then again, maybe not.
I mean, maybe objectively, or politically, or just in the minds of other people, this might be the right approach. But, for me, I can no more do yoga (properly) and feel like the man that I imagine myself to be than swing a sledge hammer and feel feminine (unless I swing like a girl).
Thay Singh
So the thing about yoga is that the more you do the practice, the more it will have a tendency to integrate your whole person. Seriously. I had many reasons for starting, and I would be lying to say that the gender-identity thing wasn’t a part of it (but only a part) – but I have become much more comfortable with myself as a result. The whole point of the practice – as my teachers have told me – is to bring union to what is separated. I’ve investigated some of the (Hindu) source materials behind yogic thought and this is clearly the case.
I’ve seen it in class as well. Asanas like Chaturanga, various arm balances and headstand do seem to be much easier for the men I have seen there, while things like hip-openers and standing balances seem to be easier for the women. Even transitions between asanas have ways that work easier depending on one’s body configuration. A good teacher will have you working through all of these combinations and as your body learns to work in the ways that suits the different body-types, your mind follows with understanding and acceptance.
Mind you, I’m not at all saying that it will change your gender ID, but yoga does have a tendency to bring you all together in one moment on the mat. It is designed to do that, and if it means that goddess embrace god within you, then you have begun to realize the real point of the practice.
cdjanie
Thank you, Thay, for that wonderful insight. I am, at best, a beginner and, as such, certainly haven’t mastered the deeper aspects of yoga, so it is nice to get a glimpse into what I might have to look forward to. It will be especially interesting given what seems to be a deeply held need on my part to keep my masculine and feminine sides apart.
shantown
Gees, I don’t guess I can offer much here. I’m not familiar with yoga, so I just don’t have any helpful insight to offer……or maybe my mind is just really struggling with the mental image, or physical one I guess, of you spendning time as a guy. It just doesn’t work for me since I don’t know “him”.
Since I don’t have any help to offer, I’ll ask a question, or two or three. What has brought on this experiment? What made you stop and want to check on the guy side of things? Was Janie becoming too dominant, too natural,,taking more and more of your time, interest, and thought processes?
I think we all struggle through some degree of this. I know I have. Seems it might come at that point when our “female ship” is ready to set sail, but we are fearful of leaving the shore….the male shore that has served us for so long….
Interesting blog, Janie….
cdjanie
As usual, Shannon, these are thought-provoking questions, and for that I thank you… again.
It seemed a pretty natural idea – this experiment – given all the doubts I have expressed. I want to see what I miss or don’t miss. I want to see what has happened to my guy side – whether he is the same as before or not, and whether whatever started me on my feminine road tweaks me again.
No doubt that Janie has become a dominant force in my life – if the term dominant can be used to describe such a submissive gal. The majority of my time has been spent in girl mode for months now – all but a sprinkling of hours here and there.
But you are wrong on one point – I am not scared; I am unsure. I need a better understanding of why I have become Janie, whether it is a choice or not, and whether it serves me well. I am striving to find all that out as soon as I can, and I will accept whatever is truth for me.
shantown
That’s cool, girl. I get it. I’m glad you didn’t think that I was being negative with the questions. I was just interested in the thought process that led to your experiment.
Here’s two more of my cents…… oh dear….
Being a business major from oh-so-long ago, this sounds like it could be a case of “cognitive dissonance”….the doubts that arise in our minds after we have made a decision, a choice on a matter. We buy a car, and we suddenly doubt that we bought the right one, the right color, the right options. Could I have gotten more??? According to the theory, those questions are a mental game we play with ourselves, and aredesigned to actually help support the decision we have made.
You have been predominantly Janie for a while now (you lucky thing), with very little guy time. Said so yourself. It is very easy and comfortable for you (I assume).Maybe the mind is considering the possibility that there might be more to this than you thought. That ;thought, being new, is not comfortable maybe, so, your mind is looking for support of your “selection”, for lack of a better word. Is this the right “model” for me? Am I missing something with that other option that I tried before??
I’m not sure that “doubts” is fair to you. Just say you are doing some fact-finding…a research project….before you move on, whether it be forward or back. Do I sail this ship, or should I get off the boat??Sounds like a pretty smart girl to me….and I’d love to chat with you about it all. Give me a shout!