20
2012The Guy Inside
I have often wondered whether I am being unduly generous with myself in allowing that I might be two spirits in one body.
But then, I have an experience that reinforces the truth of that assertion.
I was out and about yesterday, doing my thing in a pretty patterned skirt, pink tights and a white top – and yet I felt every bit a man. It was a bizarre feeling of being trapped inside these feminine clothes, and having to force every girly action. I was totally pretending.
I was feeling strong and somewhat aggressive and practical; not the slightest bit soft.
I remember saying to myself, “These stupid shoes – how am I supposed to get anywhere in these!?” And, “Why am I doing this?”
It was almost like a clichéd scene from a sitcom where a guy thinks he’s having a bad dream but then realizes he is at work dressed in women’s clothes…
I have developed a bit of a female life, so sometimes I have to be a woman whether that’s my mood or not. And, as you can see, sometimes, it is quite uncomfortable for me.
But, feeling my male side bridling at the restrictions imposed by being Janie only reinforces my belief that I really do have two sides.
When my feminine spirit is active, the very things that irritated me yesterday are instead a source of pleasure.
I accept that it is going to take me longer to walk where I am going, and I revel in the beauty of my shoes and the wonderful way they make my body move as I walk.
My movements and actions feel graceful and natural; my interactions with others aren’t restrained or forced. There is no pretense.
At those times, the man inside me is sleeping – and bothering no one. (Oops, did I really say that?)
Ashley
It’s not that you have two spirits….it’s that you have moods just like anybody else. Sometimes your mood is irritable, short-fused, and a host of other things. They’re not necessarily “male” or even “masculine” but they can seem so when you are are Janie bcause Janie is normally a happy girl. Women aren’t “soft”, or “cute” or happy or necessarily “feminine” all the time. Just most of the time, like you are.
Klyde
Your post are always thought provoking. Have you ever noticed if people react differently to you when the guy inside is awake?
cdjanie
Good question, Klyde – and I think that I have a much harder time passing at those times.
shantown
Sounds like, for whatever reason, you just didn’t feel real “girly” yesterday. No big deal…I’m sure girls feel that way all the time. Not feeling real girly doesn’t necessarily mean your feelings are male. They just weren’t real feminine. Maybe the head wasn’t in to it, the girl inside your heart tried to push it with a very cute outfit, and the head rebelled even further. As they say (well sorta)…:a mind is a terrible thing”…lol. The head can get in our way in all walks of life. The head and the heart argue regularly for some.
Say, next time, just go throw on some jeans and relax. Don’t push it either way.
Nice tights, BTW!!
Corinna
even when a girl is not smiling she is still a girl and looking at the pictures I think you are
cdjanie
It seems, Shannon and Ashley, that you agree that it was just feminine moodiness, more or less. I disagree. It felt like I was in the wrong skin.
shannon townes
I’m not sure it’s that simple, or if that’s what I was getting at. Just seems your heart and head weren’t on sync for some reason. One was into Janie and a Janie outing, the other wasn’t, for whatever reason. I’d say only you know which was which.
That said, the pictures on the next post are wonderful…classic Janie. If they’re from the same outing, how did you get yourself back in to the “right skin”? You mention attitude. Couldn’t that be the same, or at least real similar to, “mood”?
Whatever it’s worth, the new pictures look veryrelaxed
cdjanie
No, Shannon, it wasn’t my heart and my head that weren’t in sync; it was both of them against my gender presentation. My obligation to be Janie at that moment was in opposition to my lack of desire to do so.
As to the other photos, well, time passes and yes, moods change. My desire to be a woman may indeed depend on my mood; I’m not quite sure what puts me in the frame of mind of one gender or the other – sometimes, it is just spending time in that skin.
Kay
Once again Janie, you’ve put into words things that I so often feel.
I have to agree with you that it’s more than ‘feminine moodiness’; I know that my physical body isn’t anywhere close to 100% feminine even if my mind tries to make me believe otherwise sometimes.
Similarly, I know my mind isn’t 100% masculine, but the balance fluctuates. I exist somewhere between both states all the time, and sometimes one gets the upper hand, not always when you want it to!
cdjanie
Well put, Kay. You seem to do pretty well with words yourself. 🙂
Shirley Corning
It sounds to me like your just being yourself whatever your mood or preference at the moment and where is the pretense in that? It’s your honest feelings and mindset at any given time so what’s wrong with that? Nothing I can think of. In the time that I’ve known you I’ve gotten some idea of what your masculine side is like and I both like and respect him. He’s a pretty good man and I think thinks like one in many ways. When your in a Janie mood ooh la la your a girl and think thoughts that some girls do reveling in your feminity and again just being yourself. So how masculine or feminine do you have to be to qualify for either gender? The answer is it doesn’t matter. Just be yourself and your as valid and real as anyone either male or female. I prefer Shirley mode regardless of how I’m dressed but Gordon is right there with me along for the ride chipping in his two cents worth and always at the ready to come forward and take control if needed. The world out there does not know that if someone were to try and mess we me Gordon can rush forward in the blink of an eye to confront them and he can be as manly as the next guy. To that extent he’s a built in body guard. Remember, it’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature especially when she’s the biggest mother in town. lol
Did that help any? Like a plague it seems like everyone in the T community suffers through their share of gender conflict. I got to meet Dr. Richard Docter of Cal State Northridge at a couple of CD meetings. He’s a well known researcher of the T community and author of books on the subject. Once he asked the question that always puzzled him, “Why can’t you guys just relax and enjoy it?” Good question doctor. I couldn’t help it and suffered through it only recently acquiring a deep internal peace and acceptance like I’ve never had before. I have no doubt you’ll sort it out and find your own peace someday.
Good luck, best wishes and sweet dreams Janie.
You also get a big hug silly,
Shirley xoxo
cdjanie
Thanks, Shirley. You’re always helpful. I do enjoy it in either guise for the most part. And even these types of episodes don’t truoble me that much – they just serve to educate me about myself. xo Janie