09
2012Tough Love
I received a comment a ways back from a blogger who claims to have been emancipated by his escape from the habit (or addiction) of crossdressing.
His story piqued my interest because it is very different from the vast majority of what I hear out there – what most of us hear.
Truth be told, there is a lot of supportiveness out there – perhaps too much.
Don’t get me wrong; it is wonderful that we all encourage one another. But, it is good to remember that crossdressing may not be constructive for everyone who undertakes it.
I have struggled in the past with my own doubts about my feminine side, and I think we all do.
I believe that giving a fair airing to the arguments against going forward for any individual are as important as the reflexive support and encouragement that is everywhere. Tough love has its place – even if we have to take something that is a lot heavier on the “tough” and lacking in the “love” and twist it into something constructive.
We can go on all day about how crossdressing is harmless and should therefore be accepted, but it is undeniable that crossdressing is often a destructive force in a person’s life. It can and often does lead to divorce, alienation, job loss, dishonesty and shame.
At the same time, the biological or psychological necessity of transvestism is far from beyond doubt in all who practice it.
So, yes, there’s nothing wrong with crossdressing in and of itself. But, people who do it should take a long hard look at themselves, and actually invite others to challenge the validity of such a choice, before going forward.
Sometimes, unconditional acceptance doesn’t do the recipient any favors. True friendship requires more of us.
Ashley
Yes, every CDer should probably try to come to terms with where her CDing is heading. For that you need to understand where you are as a person. Otherwise you will find it difficult to put boundaries on your CD activity. And I’m firmly convinced that a profesional therapist be used to help you define yourself. There really is a danger that the “pink fog” will descend and, before you know it, body modifications or emotional distress has occurred. The therapist is there to give you a clear path around the pink fog. And if you enter the fog, they’re there to help you navigate through it.
gwen
As usual, a very thoughtful post, Janie and it gives one pause. I’m at that point where I need to stop and think before I radically alter my life. I feel the need to, but it’s important to think it through carefully. I agree with Ashley, the guidance of a good therapist is absolutely essential, I found that out in my first session Tuesday night.
annierose55
I think what Ashley offers in the form of therapy is a panacea. I am not sayng that a GOOD threapist can’t help. In fact I agree that a GOOD therapist *CAN* be essential is making an HONEST assessment of one’s available options and the potential consequences.
However, there is a point where the individual MUST make a brutally honest assessment of just what exactly is going on and WHY. An interesting read can be found here…
http://jennawillow.wordpress.com/2012/02/09/inside-out/
cdjanie
Annie, I do tend to agree that a therapist can be but is not necessarily the answer. All they are doing is trying to facilitate a person’s own self-discovery. Depending on the person and the therapist, it will be a)unnecessary, b) helpful, or c) futile. And, thanks for the article reference.
cyrsti
The life we have chosen to lead is like holding a lit stick of dynamite.
You never know when it may go off and change everything. As Jimmy Buffet sang “Where you going to go when the volcano blows?”
I try to tell all that listen this is where I went when the volcano blew and the trip was certainly not easy and nothing I would wish on my worst enemy
Having said that, I try to do my best to open my experiences only as an example of one person…and one size does NOT fit all- of course.
I do have one deep seated belief.
A person’s infatuation with being trans on ANY level will likely never go away, You can compare the attraction to a heroine addiction. Sure you can struggle to never do the drug but at the least, a shot of “methadone” may get you by. Go ahead and put that dress on when your wife is gone. You may have to. It’s your methadone.
Finally, if you love hearing yourself talk- therapy is great! I do believe though if you can connect with a professional who knows something about our culture can be a positive. The professional may be able to coerce you into facing facts about yourself you didn’t or wouldn’t face up to.
cdjanie
Cyrsti, you bring up some interesting points. First on the therapy – there is a bit of a problem in that finding a therapist that is supportive of our rights tends to lead them to encourage our crossdressing or whatever, rather than challenge the basis for it. A therapist who does not support us has the opposite bias.
You are not the first I have heard to say that you wouldn’t wish being trans on your worst enemy. It always perplexes me, as I feel like it is a gift If I felt for a second like you describe, I would stop immediately and never think about it again, notwithstanding your addiction theory. The attraction for me of being Janie is its positive influence in my life. Nothing less.
Edy
So much of what I am reading here sounds like that we chose this and that we can take it or leave it depending on our will power. I believe we are born this way. We do have choices about what we do about it and how we choose to find peace with our gender gift but I feel suppression never works. We were born transgendered and we will die transgendered.
cdjanie
Edy, your point of view is well accepted; mine, not so much. But, I think each of us is different, and while I cannot speak for others, I do feel the way I have expressed it. Maybe, in the end, it amounts to the same thing – that it works for me because I am TG rather than I am TG cuz it works for me.
Edy
Sounds like the chicken and egg dilemma. If you can figure that one out you will be my hero. It certainly is for me an existential quest of self understanding. We can choose how hard and deep we explore our understanding of our real selves or live in a state of denial. It would be easier to put our transgendered selves on the shelf and pretend that it will go away but would leak out in ways that may not be so healthy for us.
thorin25
Thank you for the kind and calm post. Even though all of us blogging crossdressers have different views, it’s nice to be able to calmly dialogue and learn from each others’ different perspectives and ideas. If there was anything specific you read on my site that you wanted to talk more about, or have me clarify, let me know. Thank you again for a gracious post.
cdjanie
Thanks. You should be aware that there is a follow-up to this post coming in a few days. But, I do agree that we should learn from one another and have an open mind to the ideas of others.
Mary-Margret Callahan
Maybe its the daredevil in me. …the call of the adrenaline rush. I have done a lot of crazy things in my life: in the army I I blew up unexploded ordinence, and was a paratrooper. I also did a lot of civilian skydiving and have tried cliff diving, rock climbing, bungy jumping, and scuba. I have never been adverse to risks. Even though I know that I am “standing on the edge of the volcano”, I am not scared off but instead am fixated by the situation, enjoying the view and feeling that adrenaline rush. Yes, I know the risk, the danger but there is no place I would rather be.
This has been my extreme sport for the last decade. “But what about the risk?” you ask. True, its there. Its a different risk than before. Its a different way to loose my “life”. I have at least approached this the way I approached any other dangerous activity…with calculated risk and carefully planning every detail. I am not suicidal. I inspected my parachutes down to every last thread and worked out the flight plan (wind, obsticals, etc.) with a fine tooth comb for hours before every single jump. Same for any risky activity.There are checklists on checklists for all of these things. Even now, I never just dress up and go out on a whim. My checklist are extensive and my planning is maticulas. I give it no less thought than I would base jumping off of Angel Falls.
I understand the risk vs reward argument. I won’t argue against it. I am also sure that I could make some therapist very rich off of me. I won’t deny that I have an addiction to adrealine. I love dressing and being a woman. Its been a part of me my entire life. Its part of who I am. Its not a passing phase or a hobby. When I envision my life without it, it scares me. That’s a risk I am not ready to take.
cdjanie
Mary,
Ahh.. now I start to understand you better… 😉
I am glad that you are meticulous in your planning – that you look before you leap. Keep safe, my dear.
Your description of your crossdressing experience is very different from mine. I feel no adrenaline rush, no standing on the edge of a volcano or holding a stick of dynamite. I know I am taking a risk, but the risk-taking doesn’t provide any thrill at all.
Bungee jumping is all about the risk and the adrenaline – the activity itself holds little interest. For me, being Janie is exactly the opposite; the activity itself has all the excitment and interest; the risk is just a frustrating annoyance. In fact, I rarely pay it any heed any more – and the less risk I feel, the better the experience.
Mary-Margret
I don’t want you you to think that this is what its all about with me. Its true that the experience provides that rush, indeed. I perhaps should have put more emphasis on the point that “this is part of who I am”. Anyway, the analogy was to express more about “how” as opposed to “why” I do it. Being a low risk actiivty is great for a low risk individual. Having had the experience of high risk situations and managing them effectively allows me to manage a higher level of calculated risk and still enjoy it.
PS. sorry for mispelling “meticulous”….I was drinking.